Let’s get Physical

The title alone brings memories a Richard Simmons workout to music by Olivia Newton John. Yes, I’m ancient…haha! There’s a love hate relationship with exercise. You have those obsessed by it and those that curl up like a bath-hating-cat. Then there’s the pressure to “be-like-whoever”. For example, that person who loves running and wants you to love it; or that person that gets pumped by competitions and wants you to join in; or loves “whatever” and wants you to come along.

LEARN what you enjoy (at least a little bit), and if you have underlying health issues take those into consideration. Learn your body needs and capacity, remember my Frail Frame? Try everything. Have a routine, but don’t be rigid. Be fluid. Be coachable. Be consistent. Remember your Nutrition. If your body is depleted of nutrients, you’ll have no fuel.

I’ve tried classes. Watched videos. Ask my son for help and advise. Met a trainer and asked her for advise. My medical doctor is amazing. Lots and lots of my physical therapy sessions. In fact, at their recommendation I tried water classes.

Always learning. And, even on “off-days” I do a little something, because for me the benefits far out-weigh “no-movement” at all. My time at the gym is very therapeutic (unless I’m having people-issues, but, hey, they serve as writing material…haha!)

“No pain, no gain” is not for me. For me pain = check my form, modify, or stop. Stretching before and after my workout is not an options, it’s a necessity. My core is the most important part of my body. Everything stems from it. So, I am purposeful to work on it everyday. I’m not fast and furious; I’m slow and purposeful, always mindful of my form.

My routine: 1) Free Weights, 2) Bike, rowing machine or skiing machine, 3) water, 4) TRX or medicine ball or kettlebells, 5) water, 6) a fusion of pilates, yoga, physical therapy or salsa dancing or smooth jazz, 7) flexible day — depending on my body/can be water or mat work on my core. I also go in the sauna or steam room or jacuzzi – depending on the needs of my body. And this is where I, at times, do my meditation (Spiritually).

Hope this helps. Let’s keep walking together on this life journey. Glad to have you along.

Body ~ Mind ~ Soul ~ Spirit

Caring for the Whole Person

Spiritually

Yikes, yes, I am venturing into an area that can be extremely touchy. However, it is needed. My Frail Frame is made up of many components. I am a whole person. Therefore, self-care needs to be exercised in all areas. If my vertical relationship is off, my horizontal relationships are off as well. If I believe that I’ve been entrusted with a precious gift (my body) then, I will be motivated to care for it. If I value what I’ve been given, then I will do my best to take care of it – consistency, NOT perfection.

For me, the “core” of my being is my relationship with God. Everything else hinges on this. So, before I venture into my exercise (physical) routine (future post), I will tell you what I do to “maintain” my spirit and soul.

I read. My Bible and all kinds of books, from all over the place. Since my daughter went to heaven, I’ve been reading books written by bereaved parents and books on pain and suffering. My brain can get chaotic at times, so I’ve incorporated audio books.

I pray. I meditate. I might fall asleep, I might space out, I might be all over the place, but I “purposely” set aside time for this. For meditation, I’ve incorporated guided meditations I found on the internet. The place varies, because I’m just all over the place lately. I also found a “show” (not sure how to call it), that plays soft music as I watch beautiful scenic pictures. I have found this incredibly soothing.

I go to church. My husband and I attend church on Sundays (sometimes we miss, that’s just life). For us, it feels like a “reset button” on the week.

I listen to music. At home or at the gym. Sometimes, I need to hear music that gives me hope and centers my attention on things above. Sometimes, I simply need soothing instrumental music to wash over me.

I journal. A thought. A reminder. Something to “meditate”. A promise. Pouring out my thoughts. Pouring out my laments. Pouring out my joys.

Things change. Schedule varies. Mind goes bonkers. Whatever…nothing is set in stone. Change is inevitable. Not a checklist, just what helps me.

Body ~ Mind ~ Soul ~ Spirit

⇒Caring for the Whole Person⇐

Hello 2019

I’ve been handed a gift. It’s opened and ready to be embraced. This is not like most gifts. A typical gift is given and opened at will. This gift has been handed to me and opened already, even if I didn’t want to receive it or open it. In a typical gift, one is able to see the entire contents of the package. This gift is one I get to “open” moment-by-moment. I can only “see” what’s in front of me. The future is unknown. Each moment a welcomed surprise, or a surprise I’d rather not have. However, “it” is still a marvelous gift. One not granted to many.

~ 365 days ~

And, so, I will continue to learn to Just Breathe…; to allow my pen to flow freely and let Ink Speaks; to embrace that I am Different; to Live! today, for tomorrow is not a guarantee; to Just be… present in the moment.

My husband, my son, my son’s girlfriend (who has become a dear friend), are my safe people. They love and support me – AND I do not take this for granted. I am keenly aware that not everyone is surrounded by such love and support.

So I lift my glass and toast with each one of you, my fellow sojourners. Grateful for the time you take to visit. Grab a chair and stay awhile, but only if you wish. If you pass by, thank you! Glad you found your way through this place.

Today I have my walking shoes on and am “ready” to continue the journey. Tomorrow, well, I can’t say. But, hey, in the “present”, I say let the pen be ready for what comes next 😀

Will you join me?

Birthday Month

The year, 1984. Me, on my third pregnancy. Blissful, was not part of my experience. Having had two miscarriages, we didn’t dare get excited. Complications, loss of weight, barely keeping YOU “safe” inside my womb to continue to grow strong.

December 3, at my regular doctor check up. Seven months along, cheering for the finish line. Nope! Not going to make it! Your heartbeat was barely audible. And, unbeknownst to me, the fluid that I was losing was not pee, but embryonic fluid. Crazy, I know!

Rush! Rush! Rush! Here you were, a healthy baby boy! Making your entrance with a loud cry and peeing all over the nurses. Definitely all boy! Who knew, then, what lay ahead.

Today the roles have changed ⇒⇒⇒

  • The day we received that final “no”, and knew that the inevitable was so close. In the back yard I screamed, and hit (literally) the block wall. There you were, your hand on my shoulder holding me in your arms. I sobbed!
  • The day Angie took her last breath. As a zombie, I walked out to her memory garden, stooping down, I wrote “this date”. My knees gave way. There you were, holding me up.
  • As that van drove away with her little body. There you were, to scrape me off the driveway.
  • As her shell was being lowered into the grave. There you were, your arm around me.

⇒⇒⇒I could go on and on…

How is it that such a mess of a human would birth such amazing human beings? God has been so good to me! He gave me YOU🖤

This year, we have danced together; we have sang together; we have laughed together; and, yes, we have shed tears together. You have given me the gift of allowing me to be me; of walking toward the mess and not away from it.

34 years and counting! May God, in His grace, give us many more years together.

I love you so very much, Son🖤

Goodbye 2018

I decided to pick a word for 2018, as a popular trend encourages one to do.

~ throughwas the word I picked

2018 is on it’s last days, and 2019 is on the horizon. Yes, it looks like I will make it “through”. Not pretty, not flawless, not smooth sailing at all! Sometimes walking, at times crawling, or should I say, “dragging”? And many times barely breathing.

The hodgepodge of emotions is…well…scrambled, with no rhyme or reason. Normalcy is a figment of my imagination. Making sense of it all, can create a senseless existence. Acceptance, surrender…acceptance, surrender…on repeat.

Bittersweet” – a word that continues to be made clearer in my foggy mind. The mixture of emotions that, seemingly, do not mix. The joy of dancing under the stars with my son, along with the ache of not having my daughter. The laughter while sharing a meal, as the tears flow remembering her favorite food. Christmas filled with wonder, as we sit in front of a headstone.

Phrases like, “I could never…” “I’ve always done it like…”, and so on, are completely obliterated from my vocabulary. Because, guess what?! My plan, my agenda…the “I did it my way”, well is just creating more chaos, in my already scrambled brain. Rethinking. Regrouping. Reevaluating.

Walking into a therapist office because my “doctor made me do it”, and fighting every urge in me to run the other way. An inner fight with stigma, with the semblance of weakness, with condemning voices.

Wanting to explain my every action or non-action. Hearing judgment, disappointment, disillusionment.

Being vulnerable, transparent, frail, needy…against every fiber that says, “you got this!” Cause, being weak and needy, is just not passé.

Will I pick a word for 2019? Not sure, yet. Would you pick a word?

AND, so, we say goodbye to another year. What will this coming year bring? Only God knows. All, I know is that I just have to get through this moment in time. The rest is out of my hands.

Stones

Stones come in many shapes and sizes. Some might be the shape of a heart, so they say. I had a friend that collected “heart-shaped-stones”. To be honest, some had absolutely no shape, but she swore they looked like a heart.

Stones can be rare and expensive; some simply used to hold something up. Who hasn’t etched their name on one or two? Who hasn’t received a stone from a child as a token of a valuable find?

I remember my brother’s grave-stone being placed. His picture was on it. As a young girl, I wasn’t really sure what I was feeling. The “first” big loss in our family…how to handle it? My voice had been muffled already, so I didn’t dare put my two-cents in the matter. Besides, his wife was making all the decisions in a way that spoke louder than words.

Now, it was me, making decisions…fast, furious, with no time to think; with every part of my being desiring to be far, far away from this place. BUT, the burial needed to take place AND the proper “embellishments” had to be ordered. The “cash-register” ringing, ringing, ringing. Every little detail had a price. Goodness, how taxing to an already heinous journey. In the fog of it all, one makes the best decisions attempting to not listen to the sales-pitches and the playing of ones emotions.

Nobody told me that a flat stone would be open to tractor tracks and scrapes. Nobody told me that it would be covered in dirt and mud, more often than I can to think. Nobody told me that the passing of time would make it sink deeper and deeper. NOBODY told me that the sight of this would make my heart hurt, if it were possible, even more than it already hurt.

Somewhere along the way, I decided that Angie’s flat grave-stone had to change. My already taxed emotions just couldn’t handle digging it out, one more time. We looked into a different kind of stone. “Well, of course we can change it – AT A PRICE!” was the response.

Yesterday, her new above-ground-stone was placed! AND this one has a picture on it.

Things that I never thought would be part of my life, are. Things that I would have never thought would bother me, do. Things that I never thought would make it a little easier, exist.