Flooded at the Sink

Standing over the kitchen sink, dinner in the making. Waves and waves of thoughts flowing through her mind…does that reel ever stop? The memory of her little girl bouncing in, always wanting to help Momma. “What-chu making?”, was the question of the hour. Mom would answer, “Pos, food.” Giggles and rolling of the eyes would follow. Suddenly these precious memories are dampened by the memories of her own childhood.

For The RunawayJunior High doesn’t bring cherished memories, however, Home-ec class yielded some good results. Learning to make spaghetti sauce and cinnamon rolls was a tasty experience. Recipes that are still in practice today.

Ah, yes, the day she learned to make spaghetti sauce was a memorable one. She came home so excited, ready to share this amazing accomplishment (at least she thought so) with her mother. Let’s just say there were no pats-on-the-back or words of affirmation.

Somewhere along the way, mother, begrudgingly decided to let her make this “foreign cuisine”. Oh, how excited The Runaway was! She knew they would like it. Mother bought her all the necessary ingredients and off she went into full mode cooking gear. Mother’s frown and side looks could not dissuade her. However, even though Mother agreed to her cooking this meal, mother still made the regular dinner, cause “who would eat that porquería”.

Let’s just say Dad liked it, a lot. No, he wasn’t like A Father building his daughter up. But, after careful inspection, he scarfed-it down. And, as time went, he would ask Mother to buy the necessary ingredients for his daughter to make this foreign dish.

And so went the wave of memories. Always a mixture of emotions.

Dinner is finished…let’s go eat 🙂

Grief Group

She decided it was time. One day short of twenty-one months. Tic-Toc, Tic-Toc…can you hear time churning? Thankful for a peaceful commute, and a settled mind focusing on navigating directions. It’s here! Deep breath, prayer…more breathing…let’s go!

Two women buzzing around. Do they see me? No smile, no hello…wait, am I at The Writer’s Club? Deep breath…just stay; fight the urge to run out. “Oh, wait, another women just arrived. She’s too bubbly to be here”, was her immediate thought. This is so painfully awkward. Being an Introvert makes the silence worse. And, so began a grueling two hour ordeal…

“What am I trying to prove? Who am I trying to impress? Why put myself in a torturous situation? Do I not hurt enough? How is it that my mindset is so skewed, so jumbled? I HATE THIS!!!”, and so went an onslaught of chaotic waves of thought, upon thought, upon thought.

There were times I thought, “Yes, the Plastic Faces are coming off!” NOT! Only a glimpse was allowed before the masks were securely fasten, back into place…let’s continue the masquerade.

“Why? What are we afraid of? Is reality so difficult, I’d rather live a lie? Do I not want to be open and vulnerable because of fear? Fear of judgment; fear of being misunderstood; fear of what?”, waves and waves of punches of the mind.

Someone decides to vomit; to splatter all she has been holding onto; to open the gates of her mind in a relentless way. The vent up guilt, trauma flowing. The wrestling with what she thought she knew, which pales in comparison to what is happening to her day after day. She doesn’t shut up! She keeps going! Only to get cliches and pat answers. GRRRR!!!

As I am in my chair, shaking uncontrollably! Being horribly triggered by the rawness of this woman. “Run! Go! Escape! Make her shut up! Why is she saying that? I can’t hear this anymore!”, thoughts that came into the spiraling mind. With the added guilt of not being compassionate enough. However, how do I help her out when I’m in my own spiral?

Home now. “How did I get home? What happened?” Unceasing crying and screaming with tumultuous spasms ensue. Beating myself up for not knowing better; for going, too soon; for not being in control.

Finally safe, curled up in a ball…spaced out, exhausted…sleep is welcomed. BUT the nightmares and images assailed my already beat-up soul. And, so, goes my journey with grief…an unwelcomed companion.

Yeah, I’m thinking it wasn’t time – for this :-\

To the girl…

🎼“To all the girls I’ve loved before🎤”, singing in my Willie Nelson voice…haha! WAIT?!?! Wrong post! And, by the way, you do not want to hear me sing in any voice…just sayin🤐

But seriously:

  • To the girl who steps on the scale everyday – why do you torture yourself? The look of disappointment and discouragement swallows you up. The scale is NOT your barometer for worth.
  • To the girl killing yourself doing cardio. You do not look like you are enjoying yourself. Change it up. Find something you enjoy. Exercise shouldn’t be punishment.

And, on an annoyance note:

  • To the girl who taped her pantyliner to the bathroom stall…seriously! Were you so bored that you decided to wallpaper the place? Ew, nasty!!!
  • To the girl who, apparently, had breakfast in the shower. Next time, please clean up after yourself. There’s a trashcan on every corner. Those extra steps can count for your fit-bit.

And, so ends “my song” for the day. A remix with all kinds of highs and lows…do, re, mi, fa🎼🎤🎼

Love Boat🖤🌹

Does anybody remember that show (The Love Boat)? Funny, how the brain works. As I typed those words, immediately I started to hum the theme song. I guess theme songs are meant to be catchy. Anywho, I’m guessing that social media will start to ease up on all the “new year resolution posts” and now begins the “love posts”.

Queue the romantic songs ~ the perfect ambiance ♥ the candle light dinners ♥ the long-stem-red-roses ♥ chocolates ♥ stuffed animals ♥ jewelry(cause if he loves you, he goes to Jared – another commercial…hehe!).

Is any of this wrong? Absolutely not! Hey, if you can afford (key word) it, then, whatever rocks your boat. The place I’m coming from is a place where what you “see” as “the perfect valentines” creates discontentment in you, which in turns makes you horridly depressed and a bear to live with. Believe me, I know!

I remember when my husband bought me long stem red roses, cause, I whined and complained about “everybody’s” getting them. Let’s just say that we got the credit card bill, and payed it after them dead roses where in the trash. Yeah, no!

We have decided that everyday is a special day. Each moment is a gift. We don’t have to wait to show “our love” for each other just on just Valentines Day. And, you know what? We can actually afford some flowers now. Our life-dance continues. Two-step, one-step, side to side…we move and shift as we go.

Learn your mate. Learn to communicate. And, be totally flexible, cause when it’s all said and done with…it’s the small things that matter, and TIME is the greatest gift.

♥ ~ Love Is In The Air ~ ♥

We Need Food

Remember, Nutrition matters. Food is part of our life.

Once upon a time (long, long ago), I could eat anything in any amount and not gain weight. It was a mindless, very fulfilling, endeavor. I can’t remember when and where it all changed. However, “change” is part of my life. Remember my Frail Frame? I’ve dealt (and deal) with hormonal issues, adrenal fatigue, horrid digestion (IBS), hashimotos (thyroid), and the list continues.

Growing up, I don’t remember salads being part of our meal plan. Being a big family with limited resources, our food choices were extremely limited. Our first attempt at a “salad” was cabbage and tomatoes drowned in chile y limon. I think we put chile y limon on everything.

For a brief time I sought out the help of a nutritionist, it really helped, but our budget couldn’t handle this added expense. But a learned some things. And, the learning continues from here and there and everywhere. Most of all, I’m learning to know what my body needs. What I did before, might need to be tweaked or changed all together. It’s a lifetime of learning.

It’s very disheartening seeing posts like, “drink this magical concoction and lose belly fat while you sleep”…SERIOUSLY?!?! Followed by a post “eating tacos”, lots of tacos. Or those photo-shopped, filtered pictures, “look like this with my program in only 30 days”. Yeah, no!

I follow this guy @cartergood on IG. He is so down to earth. He says,

“Stop worrying about how quickly you’re losing weight. A year from now, are you really gonna care if it took you 3, 6, or 9+ months to lose weight? Hell no. Instead, you’ll be glad you took your time developing habits that will help you stay lean and healthy forever.”

For me, the scale is not my barometer. For me, it is about doing my part to be as healthy as I can be. To be able to enjoy my family time as much as possible. Because I am a whole person, I need to care for myself Spiritually and learning to feed my body with good, needed food and moving with some form of exercise (Let’s get Physical).

What are you doing to care for yourself?

The Day After

Made it to the other side. The fog has cleared. The tightness released. Now the Grief Unchained and the Unfiltered thoughts are released…brace yourself!

My God has not shrunk. My faith has not been diminished. In fact my faith is what keeps me from ending it all; from escaping this world that seems to be vent on adding vinegar to my wound.

You telling me that Angie is on your heart and mind, doesn’t diminish my pain and envy that you are celebrating your daughter’s special day. Do I always have to take the high road? Do I always have to think nice happy thoughts? Can you allow me to be real and honest about my sorrow and grief? Does it always have to be kosher?

So there’s a timeline? But it has already been x-amount-of-days! Oh, excuse me, I didn’t realize that I’m not on your timetable. I didn’t realize that my grief had an expiration date. Don’t you know that one second without my daughter is an eternity? Don’t you know that until she’s in my arms, I will ache to hold her? Don’t rush me! Don’t patronize me!

You can’t handle my “thoughts”. The continual horrid movie playing, nonstop – unrelenting. My daughter wasting away, until she’s only skin and bones. My daughter vomiting her insides. My daughter looking at Mommie, asking for help. My daughter crying, saying she doesn’t want to die. AND, I, unable to grant her wish. That body bag! That casket! That deep hole!

My Reality! My Journey!

Just another day in the life of a grieving mother😢💔

Nutrition

We love our food. Heck, I think everybody loves Mexican food (🐿 How did Taco Bell get them votes? Fake-news!!!). Once upon a time I was seeing a Nutritionist. When it came to food choices I told him, “Dr. T, my problem is not fast food. My problem is my own food.” One tostada or taco just won’t do. Portion control was the plan.

Ideally, your nutrition should be provided by your food. However, it is not a one-size-fits-all. There can be varying illnesses, digestive issues, aging, etc. that can hamper this process. It’s a constant learning and relearning. Learn to know and listen to your body. Be open to change. There are no fad-diets, magic juices or fat-blasting-pills that work as magical as it is advertised. Your eating may change or be adjusted accordingly. I remember, I long, long time ago, I tried these pills. I was so excited that I had finally found “the-cure-all”. Picture the energizer bunny on speed. The good thing is that it was “legal” speed(haha!). Then there was this “miracle-juice” that my budget just couldn’t keep up. I’ve also tried, all raw; juicing, all salads, etc., etc. OMG, I remember even trying this magical-lose-10lbs-in-3-days-diet. I gag just thinking about it. My husband and I did it together. He lost 15lbs., I lost 5lbs. I was angry. He was oblivious.

learn what YOUR body needs

Take into consideration your likes and dislikes; your budget; your family dynamics. Can you maintain it? Do you need to tweek it? It’s a lifetime decision. Don’t set yourself up for failure.

Feed it wisely. Feed it like you like it. Feed it like you want it to last. Feed it like you care. Balance is key. Starvation and/or Gluttony is mistreatment of the gift you have been given.

My Frail Frame needs to be cared for Spiritually and with the nutrition it needs.

Body ~ Mind ~ Soul ~ Spirit

Caring for the Whole Person