Asking for Input

Today is a “good day”…so thankful! My mind isn’t as foggy, so I’m thinking about something and wondered if I can get your advice.

Noises can send me through the roof. At times they totally paralyze me. My mind shuts down and I have no idea what I am doing or where I am going. Other times, noises send me into a full blown panic attack. I’ll either end up in my car screaming and crying or pacing up and down, growling like a caged animal looking to escape. The first year after my daughter’s passing was bad, but this second year is so much worse. I am told that the anesthesia has worn off and this is part of PTSD.

I’ve been told that maybe ear plugs will help, or noise cancelling headphones.

Questions:  Any advice? Any input? Have ear plugs or noise cancelling headphones worked for any of you?

Just thought I’d ask…

Raw Thoughts

Today no rhyme nor reason…no poems or stories…just raw thoughts and pondering.

A heaviness. A feeling of being in a suffocating bubble. The thought that this bubble is protecting you, somehow shielding you, yet so suffocating…not having the strength to burst out of it, or really not even having the desire to come out.

The feeling that “life” is happening all around you. Like an out of body experience, I’m looking “in” thinking “everyone is so happy”…not feeling left out or wanting to engage…the desire to disappear…it would be better.

Hearing people make plans for the future, while your mind wants to turn off or just make it through this moment. Seeing people look at themselves as they work on that perfect body, while all you want is to get your heart rate up so your body can produce that proverbial natural “happy pill” (endorphins).

The feeling that you dampen everyone’s happy moments, like a wet rag flopping on everyone’s happiness. Dragging everyone down, why not disappear?

Sinking, sinking, yet knowing that you are already at the bottom of this bottomless pit.

Noises, people, laughter, life…can it all just SHUT IT!

The masquerade is sickening…I don’t want to play along…where’s the “shut-off button”, can someone, please, turn “it” off………………………….

Images

Images, images…an onslaught of images; a constant replay.

What’s playing, “presently”, in the theater of my mind? My beautiful daughter being placed in that bag. Yes, it was just her shell! Yes, she “wasn’t there” anymore! Yes, yes, yes…I KNOW!!! It was all part of the “normal” process! I get it! I accept it! BUT the torture and assault of those images is relentlessly painful and gut wrenching!

Her frail, lifeless little body being placed on that gurney, with that black ominous bag. The zipper going up, up…closing…watching her little face disappear. I wanted to turn away, but that seemed “unloving”, and I wanted to “see” her face as long as I possibly could. I wanted to scream, “she will suffocate!” I wanted to STOP the process. I thought I’d vomit…maybe if I vomited that twisted feeling in my guts would be relieved…UGH!!!

I try to renew my mind. I try to “think” on things that are true, noble, praiseworthy. Really…I do! But somehow, the images return, over and over again. I am thankful for the times that the images are of joyful, memorable moments. I welcome the relief and joy they bring.

Always on the edge. People…noises…anything threatens to take me over the edge; to explode.

I wonder, “If the images stopped, would I stop missing her; remembering her?” “Are these horrid images better than not having anything at all?”

And so the journey continues…one day, one moment, one second at a time. Thankful for the grace to do just that…one second at a time!

“Cry whenever you need to. Scream. Shout. Lay on the floor. Sob in the shower. Be still. Run. Share without fear. Listen. Release your pain. Breathe. Be courageous. Throw away the map. Wander. Be real. Be compassionate. Read. Seek friendship. Be vulnerable. Don’t fear being broken.” ~ Zoe Clark-Coates

Not A Robot

Because life is real and things happen…today I will deviate from my six word story post.

Also, you know those boxes one is asked to fill out to prove that you are “not a robot”? Well, this is my take on “showing” you that I am not a robot 😉

Part of my self-care includes going to the gym (I think you’ve gathered that by now). Depending on how my body is behaving, I will do what I can, always changing and modifying routines. Now with the added emotional turmoil, I go as early as I can to “avoid” a crowd and all the issues that come with it. HOWEVER, I’m finding that doesn’t always do the trick. Let me take you on a tour of some of the things that, well, just get me…grrrrrrr!

  • An empty locker room. I pick my locker in a corner. Someone, invariably, will come and take the locker RIGHT NEXT to mine! Did I say it’s an empty locker room?! The choices are endless. Oh, and she gets upset because I am in “her space” (where’s the angry emoji?).
  • An empty bathroom with two aisles of empty stalls. I go in AND you guessed it, someone just came in to the stall RIGHT NEXT to mine! Why?! Why?!
  • The yoga room. It’s empty because the classes are held during the day. I place my mat, take off my shoes, sit…yes! Breath…slow down…breath…NO!!!!!! Someone comes in and decides they will do kung-fu-fighting (just kidding, not sure what he is doing). His jumping, kicking, grunting, throwing a ball at the wall, more grunting. “Ummmm, did he not read the sign on the door?” Goodness!
  • The pool. I’m alone. I’m floating. Relaxing. Stretching. “Yes, this is good!” SPLASH!!! “What was that?” Oh, it’s a swimmer on “speed”. He stops and proceeds to do a “Tarzan scream” (don’t know how else to describe it). “What in the world is he doing?”

Just to clarify, this was not all in one day, and I have more, but I’ll stop for now cause I’m getting anxious just typing this 😀

3am workouts don’t seem to be avoiding the “people issues”…maybe a midnight workout, hummm…maybe? or maybe if I was a real “robot”?

Am I alone in this? Do you have “people issues”?

The Sauna

Saunaa small room, heated to high temperatures used for health and relaxation. I place to unplug, unwind. I place of peace and quiet (my definition). Can you almost hear the waves splashing as the seagulls fly around? Yes, serenity!

My doctor initially recommended I join a full service gym to help with my chronic health issues. Now we have added “to help cope” with grief and sorrow with the added PTSD that has decided to tag along.

From my above definition, can you “see” what my expectations are as I venture into this “oasis” of tranquility? Allow me to entertain you with my brain activity during one, yes one, of my sauna sessions ⇒⇒⇒

Sitting down, legs crossed, eyes closed, deep breaths…yes, zoned out…come on! Door opens…don’t move…don’t open your eyes…stay in the zone.

Noises! What is that? Why is he grunting like that? Oh, seriously?! Is that music? LOUD music…the lyrics…goodness, they ain’t singing good things…oh that’s nasty. Wait, doesn’t he have headphones (oops, opened my eyes)…he does?!?!

Someone else enters – wait? it must be two people cause they are having a full blown conversation, a very loud conversation, if you ask me. She is on the phone…seriously?! who is she talking to at this hour? Oh, not a PG conversation…should I cover my ears?

Another – coughing and sniffling, really?! Cover your cough! Do you have a tissue? Do you need a tissue? In my opinion, you need lots of tissues AND you need to go to the bathroom to blow your nose…just saying.

Another – Salsa music, loud and clear. Yes, he has headphones (man, I opened my eyes again). He is dancing, like nobody is watching. Yeah, he needs some dancing lessons, but don’t tell him cause he thinks he is all that and a bag of chips.

Ok, this place is getting crowded. My time is up. I don’t think I found “the zone”.

Until next time…