I sit here, a few days short before another birth-day. LORD willing, fifty-four is in the horizon. Pondering that (age) for a moment…if I lived as long as my mother, then I have twenty-four more years to go. TWENTY-FOUR! Yup, that would mean I have less life to live than I’ve lived thus far. And, I have lived beyond my sister’s forty-one short years. And, way beyond my daughter’s thirty years. Now, I have a granddaughter, who I hope to outlive.
Legacy. Women who share the same bloodline.
What lives on? What stays behind? What do we impart that creates ripples of joy and a sense of pride? What do we impart that brings guilt, shame…heartache and pain?
The intricacy of life is puzzling…mysterious. What I had said, “I’d never do”, that I have done. What I had said, “I’d never say”, I have said. How easy it is for me to look back an relentlessly dissect my mother’s mothering. Oh, how easy it is to cast a judgmental light upon all her “mistakes”, while I cry out for mercy and forgiveness for the insurmountable mistakes I have made and continue to make.
What is it about life that lessons are best learned while we are navigating it, rather than learning from others mistakes? Do we dare say, “we have arrived”, while not realizing that the next lesson is right around the corner?
I am the older woman. I am the gray haired shadow of that once cocky being. I am the one that feels that NOT being here – anymore – would alleviate all the sorrow and pain. I am, by God’s amazing grace, still here able to see a new life come into this world. My breath is a gift. How long? Only God knows, and He is worthy of all my trust.
Yup, another birthday is on the horizon. It will come and go. Life will continue. But may I never forget that I have been given much, much to be grateful for♥†