Unending Grief

It comes in waves

Waves that relentlessly pound

Waves that smash you into a wall

One picture…one memory…is all it takes

The reality that a warm hug is not an option

that she’ll never walk through the door

that she’s gone – forever!

The emptiness of her absence brings

a sting that doesn’t subside

a deep ache that permeates my very soul

Say her name…please say her name

Remember her…please remember her

My beautiful girl, how I miss you…

Limited

There is an allure to the heroic. The little engine that “couldn’t” just doesn’t sound appealing. There’s a mindset of pushing ones limits; of attempting the impossible; setting the ultimate record.

Somehow the mother who “just raised” her children is not as heroic as that woman who conquered the corporate world. Funny thing is, that even when we say “this doesn’t bother us”, it may just put a bolder in our shoe that just makes for some funky walking.

I hit a wall…again. It surprised me, yet it didn’t. It discouraged me, yet it didn’t. Such mixture of emotions. Such a sense of failure. Such a reminder of being a limited being.

Ever since I can remember I’ve had to have “my own back”. Watching out for myself, and, kinda-sorta being there for everyone in need. After my daughter passed away I literally fell apart. My therapist reminded me that the passing of my daughter was NOT what undid me. I almost fired her for the umpteenth time. How dare she say that! But in the depth of my being I wondered…

She went on to say that I had kept “myself” together with all sorts of things. My daughter’s passing was simply the event that unraveled, even the duct tape.

Ah the reality of being a limited human being. Not something we like to admit. Just recently I heard a podcast that spoke about a “God-complex” wanting to be everyones savior, including me. They mentioned that it takes humility to accept that we need food, sleep, rest, etc. in order to keep functioning. That in our pride we don’t trust God to handle ‘fill in the blank’. Ouch!

Ya think I would have this lesson down packed, right? NOT!!! We are forgetful people that need to be reminded, time and again.

Watching my daughter ebb away with absolutely nothing I could do to stop this, I thought, I had grasped my limited abilities. But, no, I still need to be reminded.

I’ve been meditating on the following:

Job 38:1-7, Then the Lord answered Job out of the whirlwind and said:  “Who is this that darkens counsel by words without knowledge? Dress for action like a man; I will question you, and you make it known to me.  “Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth? Tell me, if you have understanding.  Who determined its measurements—surely you know! Or who stretched the line upon it?  On what were its bases sunk, or who laid its cornerstone, when the morning stars sang together and all the sons of God shouted for joy?

I am limited! God is not!

Ephesians 3:14-19, For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love,  may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.

Companion

“I thought you had left me for good”, was my thought. “But, oh, how I sense your tenacity”, the surrendered sigh echoed.

The companion I did not choose. The companion I did not invite, yet here you are as present as ever. Somehow, I don’t fear you anymore. Somehow, I “almost” see you coming, grab my hibernation attire and sink back for it’s duration. How long will you stay, is as unknown as the heaviness of your hand. That is still an area that frustrates this control freak.

How I wish I could control your arrival. Heck, you may never be welcomed, if I had my say. But, no, you are there just lurking around the corner, waiting to make your appearance known.

Your familiar presence can still rattle my routine.

Depression with all it’s intricate angles…

Depression is the name of my companion…

…a companion I never chose.

If you love me…

“If you loved me then ________.”

Depending on the source of that output this could be an extremely packed statement. It can also carry all kinds of implications and connotations. It’s an exhaustive list, for sure, one which I would do a disservice to attempt to look at every angle. I’ll simply explore a few of my own personal instances.

The time I said to my husband, “If you loved me you would buy me a diamond ring.” We were broker than broke. It was an absurd request (my thinking “now”, not back then).

Times I was asked to give up of my physical self in order to prove my love for the person.

Times as I parent I questioned my love for my children.

In our  lives trajectory we bring this same mentality to our relationship with a Holy God. We echo, “If God loved me then this _______, wouldn’t happen or would happen or wouldn’t be this way, etc.” We can take it as far as saying, “I can’t love a God that would allow _______.” And so it goes…

Our mind and thinking are skewed by life and its complications and limitations.

In the mystery of life, God in His mercy and grace, continues to transform my mind by His Living Word. There are a gazillion voices that bombard my mind. I need something that is “unchanging, and true”.

God tells me that He loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son that whoever believes in Him will not perish but have everlasting life. This truth settles me and assures me.

Does the love of God place me in a protective cocoon where nothing ugly and bad will touch me? No! However, it gives me hope beyond the here and now. It settles my tortured soul. It brings me to a place of rest despite the turmoil. AND, one day, when I am but a shell in the dirt, my spirit will soar like the eagles and I will be with the One that loved me with an everlasting love.

That, my friends, is pure unadulterated LOVE ❤

In Process

“We are all in the process of dying.” The words came through the connection and settled into my soul. Turning them over and over. Unsettling the innermost part of my being. Dissecting each angle, as if to attempt to break the code.

Life and Deatha mystery beyond our reach

A short life snatched. A long life lived. Not enough time…BUT is there ever a “right time”? Yet, a question resounds, “Do I live as if I was in the process of dying?” And, many more follow:

  • What would I want my last words to be?
  • How would I want to be remembered?
  • How will I be remembered?
  • What will be said of me?

Psalm 90:12, “So teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom.”

Matthew 6:34, “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.”

“For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:

a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
a time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
a time to tear, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
a time to love, and a time to hate;
a time for war, and a time for peace. (Ecclesiastes 3:1-8)