humor – "Ready Pen…"

Gym Routine

I like routine, however, I am continually learning to not be as rigid. This week I’m attempting to get back into the semblance of a regular gym schedule. That being said, here we go with a long overdue Gym Rant. Yes, who needs Another Gym Rant? I say, “we all do!” Cause, humor and sarcasm are just so therapeutic 😉

“The kids” are back in all it’s splendor. Maybe it’s Spring Break, maybe it’s boredom. Two “little-boys” barged into the steam room. You’d think they had ants in their pants. Their silly antics just did not match their physic. They grumbled and complained about how hot it was and how horrid that steam was. Seriously?!?! It’s not like someone has you locked in here! One had a cough that just wouldn’t quit. I was ready to see a lung or two on the floor any minute. Did he cover his mouth? Why, NO!!! That would be too much, like right.

Tarzan was back in the pool. I figured cheetah would arrive any minute given his loud screeches. Was he auditioning for something? What did those screams and shouts exercise? I’m thinking bigger ear plugs are needed :-0

The singing biker was filled with melodies. Maybe the high pitch voice had something to do with them tight daisy-duke-shorts. Maybe he is practicing for an audition? I don’t know, but someone should inform him that those sounds coming out of his mouth are pure torture to those around him…just sayin 8-/

Yes, the freaks really do come out at night (Sights & Sounds), AND I have run into them all!

To the girl…

🎼“To all the girls I’ve loved before🎤”, singing in my Willie Nelson voice…haha! WAIT?!?! Wrong post! And, by the way, you do not want to hear me sing in any voice…just sayin🤐

But seriously:

To the girl who steps on the scale everyday – why do you torture yourself? The look of disappointment and discouragement swallows you up. The scale is NOT your barometer for worth.
To the girl killing yourself doing cardio. You do not look like you are enjoying yourself. Change it up. Find something you enjoy. Exercise shouldn’t be punishment.

And, on an annoyance note:

To the girl who taped her pantyliner to the bathroom stall…seriously! Were you so bored that you decided to wallpaper the place? Ew, nasty!!!
To the girl who, apparently, had breakfast in the shower. Next time, please clean up after yourself. There’s a trashcan on every corner. Those extra steps can count for your fit-bit.

And, so ends “my song” for the day. A remix with all kinds of highs and lows…do, re, mi, fa🎼🎤🎼

Sights & Sounds

I guess the Freaks do go out at night. Just when I think I’ve seen it all, I’m surprised by The Flash.

The Hot Hulk, let out a grunt, as he splattered the weights on the floor. I, seriously, thought he tore something, but nah, he continued with that annoying routine, flexing and being Mr. America. Lest you think he was a hunk of a man, the “hot” description is due to his face being so red I thought it was going to explode. Just needed to clarify that.

The Sleeping Giant was curled up in a corner. I think he forgot his blankie and teddy bear. I wonder if he found that routine on youtube? Is that the 2019 new and improved cardio-blast? I wonder if he took some kinda-supplement to maintain that rhythm? Seriously, nothing took his concentration off his routine. I’m kinda-jealous.

The Fashionable Snoozer has found that his favorite piece of equipment is the comfy couch (🐿 Why are there couches in the gym???). For a big man, he sure knows how to bend according to the cushions. Not sure what role the liquid coming out of his mouth plays in his routine, but I’m sure it’s beneficial because it’s flowing like Niagara falls. Such talent, and I’m happy to report that he has been consistent in it’s use the whole week. Just so talented!

On a serious note – if you have access to a gym, please take advantage of it. The benefits are amazing. For me it helps me as a “whole” person. I will share some of my ailments and my continued journey in a realm that can either be really hyped or really avoided. Again, I desire to share what is working for me. I also want to communicate that it is not a one-size-fit-all, and that changes inevitably happen. So stay tuned! We made it through the first regular week of 2019. Yay!!!

“You got to move it, move it…physically fit…” (singing with King Julien, Madagascar Movie)

Binding Garments

Should my clothes be a comfortable piece of garment, simply used to cover myself or should they be torturous arsenals inflicting pain at every turn? I don’t know! I’d like to go with door number 1, please. Cause, hey, there is already enough torture without me inflicting it upon myself. Just sayin…

Have you seen some of the corsets used ages ago? Someone literally pulling strings while the person inside this horrid pieces of cloth is tightened, and tightened. I wonder how their eyes didn’t pop out. How did they eat? How did they move? Heck, how did they breathe? Remember Ms. Thang and her Death by Spanx? Yeah, pretty traumatic!

Maybe the new year and all the fitness resolutions being splattered all over the place that has my Inquiring Mind going.

How does one choose a sports bra? A comfortable, non-binding piece of garment…please! I know, I know, “more bounce to the ounce” is a catchy song lyric, and on the dance floor, it just might work. But, hey, it has no place on the gym floor. Jumping jacks without “support” is not a picture I want my eyes to behold. The need to keep them “girls” nicely in place is, well, needed. Especially as one gets older. Of course, this is a total reference to someone else 😉

Just to get into some of these contraptions is a workout in and of itself. Seriously! And, getting out of them…well, just pass the vaseline, please!

How do we solve this problem? How do we come up with a solution to this dilemma? I simply don’t know, my dear, Watson. It’s a continual unsolved mystery. One that I am sure, will yield much material for writing 😉

Pool Time

It’s a cold rainy day in Cali. I figured my 3:30 a.m. gym time would be a quiet and relaxing one, since I’d be working-out in the pool. BUT I guess “the kids” are on vacay or something cause there was a few rug-rats present in all their hyperactive selves. Yeah, flips in the pool are not very kind to those around you. I’m surprised there was any water left in the pool…seriously! AND, no parents in site. I guess it would have been really awkward for “boys” their age to be accompanied by a chaperone. Their age and facial hair might be a sign of them being adults, cause their actions and manners were far from civil 8-/

Then there is the issue with wearing ankle high socks with…drum roll please…flip flops! Yes, I can hear you gasping, too. Some fashion statements are just not for the faint at heart.

And, the butt-crack issue continues…I just don’t get it.

The gym saga continues…stay tuned for more 😉

Soap Box

My crazy brain can go from one thing to another or can be a totally Scrambled Mind

Thinking of going into my humorous, sarcastic rant (haha!), I mean post, and I wondered, “what exactly is the meaning of a ‘soap box’ “, so here you are. I figured you might be interested in its meaning:

“A soapbox is a raised platform on which one stands to make an impromptu speech, often about a political subject. The term originates from the days when speakers would elevate themselves by standing on a wooden crate originally used for shipment of soap or other dry goods from a manufacturer to a retail store.” ~ Wikipedia

Now that we have taken care of that important issue, allow me to “get on the wooden crate” and share with you some pet-peeves.

Perfume – hey, I’m all for smelling good and all, but seriously?! Does one need to bathe in this substance in order to achieve the desired lure? I just don’t get it! Again, “common sense” people! I was in the next changing stall, just minding my own business, so energetic after my workout, and BAM! A never ending spray…and spray…and spray. No one told me I needed a breathing mask. No one said I’d be fumigated by a substance that would make my sinuses go into a horrid stinging and sneezing frenzy. Ouch!

Sneezing and coughing – can we all agree that it is so NASTY to be sprayed by someone else’s germs? Is it sooooooo difficult to “cover” your sneeze and/or cough? Do you seriously think I want to wear your body fluids, even when it’s just a mist? I’m no germaphobe, but this just crosses all kinds of lines 8-/

Right of Way – I thought I knew how this works, but lately I’m beginning to question it. I’ve almost been trampled upon several times with absolutely no “excuse me” from the other person. At a walking trail, at the store, in the gym (who knew this place was much more than an exercise establishment?). I simply don’t get it.

Until the next time…where will we go? what will we see?

Do you have any pet peeves?

I’m back (sorta)

Howdy! Are ya’ll still out there?

Finally beginning to “peek out” of this horrid “tunnel”. The “pen” was not only not moving, but was completely “put away”. Grateful to be “back” (sorta). Back to the gym we go…cause who doesn’t need some humorous sarcasm after a migraine, right?

To the pool we go. It’s a pretty nice area with benches, chairs, tables AND…wait for it…lounge chairs. Yes l-o-u-n-g-e–c-h-a-i-r-s! Now, don’t get me wrong, it’s a nice place, but I just wouldn’t pick “the gym” to hang out longer than I have to. I know you are itching to hear more about them lounge chairs…hehe!

My findings – these lounge chairs are used for the “activity” of sleeping. I haven’t done much research on this, but this might be the latest “fad-in-exercise” cause it’s spreading like wild fire. Today two individuals “lasted” at least two hours, non-stop, on this activity. That’s some endurance folks! I’m happy to report that them lungs are nice and strong. Snoring was at it’s top notch without a break in the routine. And, nothing, and I mean nothing distracted these folks from a steady pace. This, in my humble opinion, is unprecedented talent!

On another note – the gym used to provide towel service. Due to cost, water usage, etc., etc., the towel service has stopped. While the towel service was provided there where bins all around the gym with signs “do not take the towels home”. Now the signs read, “please take your towels home”. Yeah, it’s complicated…

That’s it for now. Hopefully I’ll get back into some kind of routine, again. For now, I’m glad to be back ready to let “the pen” flow…

Randomness

♦♦♦I’m torn between the smell of BO or perfume. Just can’t seem to make up my mind. But then again, it might be the smell of garlic (remember Putrid Smell?). Something about working out next to a person that is bathe in perfume, even if it’s “Passion” by Elizabeth Taylor. People, sweat and perfume just don’t mix well! On the other hand there is the o-natural-bod-scent…yeah, well, enough said. I’m really leaning toward a third option, a nice clean smell, what do you think?

♦♦♦Trying to wrap my head around full on make up – at the gym – at 3:00am. I have some serious questions y’all. Are your lashes going to fall? Is it waterproof? Is that white towel going to remain white? Did you sleep? Why? Why? Why? Ok, I’m done…I’m moving on 😉

♦♦♦ Why do I always pick the bathroom stall that is out of toilet paper. Seriously, this is getting old. Is my guardian angel sleeping on the job or what? The things I have to come up with. If there really is a “big brother” always watching, Big-Bro has gotten a lot of laughs at my expense. I should be generously compensated for providing entertainment to Big-Bro. This is high quality entertainment, people.

~~ Laughter is good! Sarcasm is…well…sarcasm ;-p ~~

On a serious note, my Therapist recommended a “service dog” to help with my PTSD. We are seriously contemplating it. Has anyone else tried this? What’s your take?

“When writing the story of your life, don’t let anyone else hold the pen.” ~ Anonymous

Another Gym Rant

Morning y’all! My brain is doing better, thank you very much. So hot off the “presses” I bring you another Gym Rant. Gymboland is always a reliable source for writing material and extreme frustration for this “on-the-edge-girl”. But, hey, it could be worse…or could it?

Having stayed up past my bedtime, I ended up going a little later than usual to the gym. I thought “common sense” was lacking in the 3:00 am crowd, don’t know, maybe not enough sleep? Nope, I was wrong, common sense is NON-EXISTENT!

Questions, questions, questions…

To the lady sitting on the hip abductor (for at least 30 minutes) watching her telenovela, I’d ask, “Wouldn’t you be more comfortable in your warm casita, sipping a delicious cup of hot cafecito while you enjoy your telenovela on your big screen TV?” “Girl, but you are rocking that “on-point” gym outfit, so I guess you had to show it off. Can you, maybe, walk around, yes?!?!”

To the cute young lady who jumped around for 15 minutes, then slept for an hour on that uncomfortable chair, I’d say, “I think your comfy bed would give you more spinal support. You might need a chiropractor appointment after that twisted nap.”

To the half naked lady (in the sauna) who slithered her way by me, and behind me with absolutely no respect for my personal space and my things, I’d ask, “Did you really just do that? Did you see me? Did you see my things? Do you care?” Nope! “All you cared for was laying yo-neked-bod-on-someone-else’s-spot!”

To the lady washing herself at the sink (yes…yes), I’d say, “Girl, you know there’s showers right behind you? It might be faster and easier, no se…just sayin!” 8-0

Oh, and I think I’ll carry a wad of tissues cause all that “slurping” is just not cool. Still working out the logistics as to how to “cordially” hand them out, though. Might need to work on a good plan for this…hehe!

Yes, folks, Gymboland – the happiest place on earth – has lived up to it’s name. Never a dull moment in this place, and guess what? You don’t even need an E-Ticket 😉

Death by Spanx

The special day was fast approaching. Ms. Thang was a buzz getting herself ready for the big day. Perfect dress, shoes to match. Let’s not forget the jewelry to bling up the attire. Hair and nail appointment inked on the day runner.

Sitting with a friend, much talk about the many things that still needed her attention, a suggestion, “Hey, spanx would make your dress fit “perfectly”. Don’t get me wrong, it already looks really good, but that extra touch, well it would just be fiu-fiu!” AND, hey, who doesn’t want to look “photoshopped” (at least one day)?

Ms. Thang set out to find the “infamous spanx”. Having no clue, knowing nothing about this piece of garment that would put her outfit over the top. Asked at a few places, but still unable to find this perfect garment. Finally, she arrives where the gal behind the counter doesn’t look at her like, “are you from Mars, lady?” This nice gal shows her a few pieces(literally) and gives her some pointers. Ms. Thang heads into the dressing room with two pieces in hand.

Queue the “OMG, I CAN’T BELIEVE IT’S NOT BUTTER” song…wait, different commercial…anywho…IT WASN’T PRETTY =8-0

Ms. Thang was resolved to at least get one of these pieces of perfection past her thighs. So she tried the one that went over her head. Good move, don’t you think?

She pulled, yanked…breath…pull, yank…ouch…more pulling, more yanking…OMG, it’s stuck!!! Paralyzed by this “rubber band” around her. Out of breath! In a position of a football umpire announcing a goal (the images are scandalous). Many thoughts went through her head. One was, “I’m going to be found naked, strangled by a piece of cloth, a vicious cloth at that!” My husband is going to get the call, “Mr. Thang, your wife was found dead. Killed by spanx!”

How she managed to “get away” is still a very dark mystery. The good news is that she lived to tell about it. By the way, the dress fit just fine without this precious garment, thank you very much.

And, so the “rolls” ran free! Yes, “photoshopped” is not the only way to fly 😉