~ wave after ~ wave ~ after wave
how to prepare? how to brace?
unpredictable, unseen, unexpected
laid out, crumbled…yet, fighting to breathe
screaming, punching, tearing at my flesh
numb yet fully engaged…quiet yet horribly loud
the spirals that comes from nowhere
the feelings that are everywhere
once again, it hits…AND there’s nothing to do, but…
PRESENT – amidst – joy, pain; laughter, tears.
(#hemingway #sixwordstory)
Have you ever read something or been told something, so you think “you know” and are “prepared“? (OMG, this word does NOT belong next to or in the vicinity of grief!!!) — Yeah, no creative writing going on around here.
What am I talking about? I’m talking about all the information that is out there regarding “the first year after losing a loved one”. First…everything!
My first Christmas without my daughter was a total BLUR! However, I was “prepared” for “it” to be the worst. AND, let me tell you, I attempted “everything” I had read or been advised to do in order to “minimize” and get through the pain. I even attempted to “be-other-centered” so as to not “turn-in-to-myself”(other peoples words, not mine). Oh, the going caroling at the senior center; the visiting shut-ins and singing songs; the hospitality. What was I thinking?!?!?! Let me tell you, the “pleasing-people-chart” was filled with stars and happy faces. However, I was dying inside. But, true to myself (haha!), I kept this up until I collapsed. Which landed me at my doctors office; which landed me in the ER; which landed me in therapy.
In one of my many talks with My Grieving Friend she said to me, “Grief demands our attention. You cannot ignore it. It will show up whether you like it or not. You might as well pay attention to it and deal with it in a healthy manner.” Now, did I think I was ignoring my grief? Absolutely not! I was just trying to put one foot in front of the other (and, pleasing people while I was at it). My physical body knew otherwise, and hence its total shut down.
Sitting here today – my second Christmas without my daughter – the anesthesia completely gone…fully awake…there isn’t a substance or activity in this world that will take away the pain or even remotely minimize it!
MY DAUGHTER IS NEVER WALKING THROUGH THE DOOR
MY DAUGHTER IS NEVER – ETC., ETC., ETC.,
This side of heaven “it” will never be ok. I’m a Scrooge! I’m a Grinch! If, I could hibernate until all the joyful-sounds were over, I would. However, I know that when I come out of hibernation, the pain will still be there😥💔
Sorrowful journey, joy mingled with pain💔😢
#sixwordstory #hemingway
Fog so think…walking, sometimes crawling
Jingle bells, the sounds of holiday cheer
buh – hum – bug
Tinsel, glitter…momentary pleasures
Family gatherings…always missing that beautiful face
Joy to the world, my heart is crushed
Holiday festivities while enveloped in grief and sorrow
param – pum – pum – drum
December is here! Holiday cheer at its best…so that’s what I hear. However, for those suffering from depression, well, for so many reasons, the “sadness” gets even deeper and gloomier. Maybe it’s the “postcard” images ingrained in our minds. Maybe it’s the filtered social media images that constantly assault us and make us think that “everyone is happy” except us. Or maybe it is just LIFE 
That Porcelain Doll has been shattered. The Plastic Faces have melted. And, even though the pain is excruciating, I can breath. I can walk in the freedom of who I am. The fitting in, the pretending was suffocating and oh, so, tiring.
My December won’t have fake tinsel and glitter. I will, however, be real and present for those that desire to have me around. AND, that, my friends is a gift worth giving; and the memories made are priceless treasures to cherish for years on end.
I am not sure where this “December” finds you. I hope and pray that “it” won’t bring you to despair. I’d love to pray for you, if you are inclined to share your need with me. We never walk alone!
THANK YOU to all who visit, follow, comment and like.
I am grateful for each and every one of you.
~~~Walking together, on this journey called life~~~
One year and six months…547 days…lots and lots of hours, minutes, seconds. Each second your absence is felt acutely, deeply. Life continues, even when I want it to…STOP! Your room is still the same. Your bed has the same sheets, unwashed, to preserve your essence. Remember Cam (a stuffed animal)? You held that thing, close to your face. Now, I hold it to my face. I miss YOU!
I saw some of your friends on Sunday, they miss you too. It was difficult to be around them, but it was good. Someone said to me, “We are glad you are here. We miss Angie so much. By you being here, we feel like we have a piece of her.” Angie, I hadn’t thought of that. You are missed by so many.
The holidays are coming. Goodness, how you loved the holidays. Not sure how it’s going to be, but hey, today is here. I’ll just do “today”. We will see about “tomorrow”.
I long to hold you, to hear you, to simply be with you. Time makes it feel like you are further and further away. Pictures and videos are just not cutting it. However, I am so thankful for technology, and that I have those videos with your voice and beautiful face. I view them often.
I LOVE YOU so very much and MISS YOU to no end ❤
What draws me here? What do I expect to find? Is it that I am sorely aware that your shell is beneath this manicured lawn? No amount of decorations, beautiful though they are, can remove the agony of reality. Every bug, every worm a horrible reminder of ones end. From dust we came, to dust (dirt) we will return.
As the reel of my mind plays and replays those horrid images, which threaten to undo what little sanity remains, I have to purposefully make the choice to think and meditate on images of heaven – you are whole, complete, full of joy! There is no other way for this Momma’s heart to find comfort and solace.
Almost a year and a half of your departure, AND it still feels surreal. I’m learning to accept that this “feeling” will be part of me until the day I take that same journey and we are united again. Oh, how that day drags on…endlessly painful…my eyes blurred to the horizon.
Do you think of me? Do you miss me? Of course NOT, that would be torture! I know…I live it! No, this isn’t living…I’m barely enduring it!
Death, the ultimate separation. The gut wrenching reality we will all have to face. No one escapes it!
“Grief has a way of lodging itself in the body…There is a substance to sorrow, a gritty reality and physicality that, if left untended, has the power to choke out one’s hope.” ~ Annie Parsons
crunched over…NOT in defeat
laid out…NOT in surrender
gushing tears…NOT in unbelief
chaotic brain…frowning face…shuffling feet
yet…somehow moving…somehow breathing
AND time makes the distance wider and wider
Heaven seems so far away……………………………….
Doctors try to medicate it.
Gurus try to meditate it.
PAIN…raw, searing pain.
Let me sit in it; let me feel it to the full.
It’s better than not feeling at all.
If I run from it; if I hide…it won’t make it better.
The depth of my love is greater than the pain.
It’s normal! It’s needed!
No masks!
No games!
JUST GRIEF…
"Ready Pen..." 