Your time was making its way,
we knew it was coming.
Inching its way…lurking in the corner,
ready to pounce.
That bag…dark, suffocating…so unnatural,
my mind reels at the memory.
A short walk…a distance both finite and infinite.
That van…door closes…gasp!
It drives away dragging every bit of my heart,
shattered, broken, pulverized…
Never to be the same again.
Some song lyrics say what you want to say. I had “heard”this song before but now I “feel” it.
“…Who told us we’d be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We’re asking why this happens
To us who have died to live?
This is what it means to be held
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held…”
~”Held” by Natalie Grant~
I HATE that you are not here…that you are gone…that we won’t plan a wedding, a baby shower, a birthday party.
I HATE that your voice is silent…your giggles – oh, how I miss them and your quirky sense of humor, and that you called me weird and crazy, and that you gave me that look; AND that you called me lady, and Mommie.
I HATE that we don’t have “huggie time”, or pedicures, or lunch dates, or pancakes, or cafecito con panecito.
The list is endless…the pain suffocating!
It’s been said that “HATE” is such a strong and harsh word. Well, it’s NOT strong enough!
Don’t tell me you know how I feel when you are holding your little girl by the hand.
Don’t tell me you understand when no one is missing at your table.
In fact, you don’t have to say a word.
That proverbial fishbowl…that pedestal…ugh! I wish I could shatter that unseen glass; to get away from all the hacking eyes…to hide, to breakdown, to simply be! I wish I could take that “pedestal” and throw it against a concrete wall and watch it shatter, break, dissolve into a gazillion tiny pieces.
Maybe this would bring some relief…maybe…such maybe…
Tight chest…knotted guts…body shaking.
For her child is no more💔🦋
Even in the shadow, it stings!