Tag: life

Goodbye 2018

I decided to pick a word for 2018, as a popular trend encourages one to do.

~ through ~ was the word I picked

2018 is on it’s last days, and 2019 is on the horizon. Yes, it looks like I will make it “through”. Not pretty, not flawless, not smooth sailing at all! Sometimes walking, at times crawling, or should I say, “dragging”? And many times barely breathing.

The hodgepodge of emotions is…well…scrambled, with no rhyme or reason. Normalcy is a figment of my imagination. Making sense of it all, can create a senseless existence. Acceptance, surrender…acceptance, surrender…on repeat.

“Bittersweet” – a word that continues to be made clearer in my foggy mind. The mixture of emotions that, seemingly, do not mix. The joy of dancing under the stars with my son, along with the ache of not having my daughter. The laughter while sharing a meal, as the tears flow remembering her favorite food. Christmas filled with wonder, as we sit in front of a headstone.

Phrases like, “I could never…” “I’ve always done it like…”, and so on, are completely obliterated from my vocabulary. Because, guess what?! My plan, my agenda…the “I did it my way”, well is just creating more chaos, in my already scrambled brain. Rethinking. Regrouping. Reevaluating.

Walking into a therapist office because my “doctor made me do it”, and fighting every urge in me to run the other way. An inner fight with stigma, with the semblance of weakness, with condemning voices.

Wanting to explain my every action or non-action. Hearing judgment, disappointment, disillusionment.

Being vulnerable, transparent, frail, needy…against every fiber that says, “you got this!” Cause, being weak and needy, is just not passé.

Will I pick a word for 2019? Not sure, yet. Would you pick a word?

AND, so, we say goodbye to another year. What will this coming year bring? Only God knows. All, I know is that I just have to get through this moment in time. The rest is out of my hands.

🔔Jingle🔔

Every jingle, every joyful song…salt to an open wound

stinging…burning…searing pain

Is this the point? Is this the purpose? No…not really

Just go with it! Just enjoy it! ~~~ easy for you to say

How do I convince my mind to think differently?

How do I tell my heart not to feel?

How do I “go with it” without falling apart?

Am I the only one feeling this?

Does everyone “really” enjoy this?

Is this, too, a Masquerade?

Short Circuit

~⊗~Beautiful morning walk with the family. Brisk pace, chatting away. All is good in the neighborhood. The trail is between two streets, but it’s not that busy, so it’s a quiet morning. The feeling of being “normal”, until a siren blares – short circuit:

>all goes blank. ears ring. blasting noise. head spins. legs become as noodles. I need to sit down. I need to run. escape. what happened? somehow I’m sitting. nauseated. breathe. put head between legs. rock…rock. get grounded. I can’t. scream. nothing comes out. cold sweat. I can’t breathe. breathe. what happened? it’s so loud. I can’t hear. wasn’t I walking? how did I sit down? what happened? b-r-e-a-t-h-e!

~⊗~Headed to church. Something feels “off”, but lately, everything feels off. Do some of my breathing exercises. We park. Here we go, let’s do this. Walking toward the building holding my hubby’s hand. Keep telling myself, “I can do this.” Wait?!?! There’s lots of people by the entrance. I hear a “loud” laugh – short circuit:

>in a bubble. disconnected. I need to run. escape. hide. why is it so noisy? this crowd. books in hand. what do I do. more crowds. someone hugged me. I’m talking. what am I saying? are you ok? no! escape. run. I’m suffocating. my husband. grab. I can’t. shut up! why are they laughing? in the car. at home. b-r-e-a-t-h-e!

Just two incidents of this horrible disconnect that happens out of nowhere, with no rhyme or reason. It frustrates me, aggravates me an makes me feel so out of control. How do I plan for the unpredictable? How do I explain the unexplainable?

When I come back “into orbit”, I’m spacey and out of sorts. What happens to my body? What happens to my mind? Will this ever get better or will it get worse?

AND so I continue to learn. I continue to shed the mask of “everything is good”, and am learning to ask for help. I am learning to communicate with my safe-people, even when I know I’m repeating myself. By the way, my safe people are AMAZING!!! And, I am learning that NOT everybody will understand, and…that…is…ok!

We are a Miracle

The day began in it’s normal way, nothing different about it. The seventeen year old moved around in a daze. This was the day. It didn’t feel different. It didn’t have all the pomp and circumstance she had seen or heard of. No saying, “yes to the dress.” No talks with mom in preparation of the big day. Nothing! Just a day in the life of this broken girl. Such a short life, yet so much had already transpired.

Having miscarried her second child, just a month before, she didn’t realize that she was still grieving her loses, and that her body was not yet healed. But, here it was…no turning back.

The escape plan in place, so she thought. The release from the physical, verbal and mental abuse was what was expected. Little did she know that she would enter into another form of abuse.

The “happy couple” drove themselves to the justice of the peace. She wore dark purple, because it was the closest she had to black. No rings, no flowers. Just them. Their two witnesses met them there, and so the stale ceremony took place.

~ 🌺 ~ 🌺 ~ 🌺 ~

Today – 35 years later – a miracle! My husband and I are still together. God’s grace abundantly being poured onto us, individually, and as a couple. Many, many things and circumstances have threatened to tears us apart, and some have nearly succeeded. Yet, today, I can say that we “walk-together”. We continue to learn the “dance” of life. And, by God’s grace we will continue until death do us part.

Depression/December

December is here! Holiday cheer at its best…so that’s what I hear. However, for those suffering from depression, well, for so many reasons, the “sadness” gets even deeper and gloomier. Maybe it’s the “postcard” images ingrained in our minds. Maybe it’s the filtered social media images that constantly assault us and make us think that “everyone is happy” except us. Or maybe it is just LIFE :-/

That Porcelain Doll has been shattered. The Plastic Faces have melted. And, even though the pain is excruciating, I can breath. I can walk in the freedom of who I am. The fitting in, the pretending was suffocating and oh, so, tiring.

My December won’t have fake tinsel and glitter. I will, however, be real and present for those that desire to have me around. AND, that, my friends is a gift worth giving; and the memories made are priceless treasures to cherish for years on end.

I am not sure where this “December” finds you. I hope and pray that “it” won’t bring you to despair. I’d love to pray for you, if you are inclined to share your need with me. We never walk alone!

THANK YOU to all who visit, follow, comment and like.

I am grateful for each and every one of you.

~~~Walking together, on this journey called life~~~

Decorations – Where?

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas! Trees, lights, tinsel…decorations galore. Boxes out of storage, sifting through wondering, thinking…how will we decorate this year? However, the place to decorate is not the happiest place on earth. It is not a choice one willingly makes. It is the – – – – cemetery✝️

Angie loved Christmas. Remember the movie “Elf”? Well, she would get as excited as that character played by Will Ferrell. Last year, in my attempt to keep things “normal”, I decorated her grave site quite extensively. I even put up a Christmas Tree. I remember people coming with their boxes, busily decorating their loved ones graves. Even in the numbness of the pain, I wondered, “what makes one do this?” Oh, there was a time I probably would have thought “this” was a waste or of no value. My goodness, how time and circumstances can change ones mind.

Angie’s grave site was decked out with decorations while my home was dark and somber, no sign of Christmas there. What a contrast!

Last year, by this time her decorations were up in all it’s splendor. This year it’s just not happening. Not sure what I will do, yet.

It’s not even December, I still have time. And, if it’s different or the same, well…it is what it is. It will come and go before we know it.

~Grace to accept what can’t be changed~

🎄💔🎄💔🎄💔

~Grace to take one step forward, no matter the pain~

Change

Facebook asks, “What’s on your mind?” Interesting question. Can you imagine if we really posted “everything” that is on our mind? Yeah, I could write volumes. Most of it would be gibberish, with no rhyme or reason. Some, would make a little sense.

Today my mind is filled with thoughts of change. Small changes that happen along the way, to changes so big that they completely alter every part of ones life. 35 years ago, I was preparing to get married. 34 years ago, I was “trying” to keep my third pregnancy from happening prematurely. Two years ago, we were unknowingly celebrating the last holidays with our daughter. And, just a year ago, I didn’t know if I’d see the next day or if I even wanted to.

In seeing family this weekend, I realized how much has changed. Our parents are gone. New births have arrived. New relationships are happening.

Time is but a vapor. Change is always happening. Nothing stays the same. What is on your mind today?

“Teach us to realize the brevity of life, so that we may grow in wisdom.” ~ Psalm 90:12

Thanksgiving 2018

Thanksgiving 2018 is now history. Time doesn’t stand still. Life propels us forward.

Ours began with a drive to a pathway, which sits at the foot of our mountains. Six miles walking and talking was a breeze. The briskness of the early morning was soothing to my soul.

A little down time before we put our hands to the task at hand – our thanksgiving spread. Turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, gravy…the works.

Out table was set for all of us, including an “empty chair” for our Angie. We stuffed our faces with no other sound than our grubbing. Once, completely stuffed, we each shared what we were thankful for. So much could be said. And, yes, my heart was so incredible grateful. That “empty chair” didn’t cause me additional pain…it was simply “appropriate”.

Angie was “not” missing, she was fully present in our hearts and minds. AND, we were able to enjoy each other and continue to make memories.

⇐Not perfection, just the next step in the process⇒

~~~Spring always follows Winter~~~