I decided to pick a word for 2018, as a popular trend encourages one to do.
~ through ~ was the word I picked
2018 is on it’s last days, and 2019 is on the horizon. Yes, it looks like I will make it “through”. Not pretty, not flawless, not smooth sailing at all! Sometimes walking, at times crawling, or should I say, “dragging”? And many times barely breathing.
The hodgepodge of emotions is…well…scrambled, with no rhyme or reason. Normalcy is a figment of my imagination. Making sense of it all, can create a senseless existence. Acceptance, surrender…acceptance, surrender…on repeat.
“Bittersweet” – a word that continues to be made clearer in my foggy mind. The mixture of emotions that, seemingly, do not mix. The joy of dancing under the stars with my son, along with the ache of not having my daughter. The laughter while sharing a meal, as the tears flow remembering her favorite food. Christmas filled with wonder, as we sit in front of a headstone.
Phrases like, “I could never…” “I’ve always done it like…”, and so on, are completely obliterated from my vocabulary. Because, guess what?! My plan, my agenda…the “I did it my way”, well is just creating more chaos, in my already scrambled brain. Rethinking. Regrouping. Reevaluating.
Walking into a therapist office because my “doctor made me do it”, and fighting every urge in me to run the other way. An inner fight with stigma, with the semblance of weakness, with condemning voices.
Wanting to explain my every action or non-action. Hearing judgment, disappointment, disillusionment.
Being vulnerable, transparent, frail, needy…against every fiber that says, “you got this!” Cause, being weak and needy, is just not passé.
Will I pick a word for 2019? Not sure, yet. Would you pick a word?
AND, so, we say goodbye to another year. What will this coming year bring? Only God knows. All, I know is that I just have to get through this moment in time. The rest is out of my hands.