Tag: journey

Word for 2019

As I said, Goodbye 2018, I wondered if I’d pick a “word” for 2019.

Reading, “it” came! Now, I wonder, in the mystery of it all, if The Word is the one that picks me? I wasn’t looking. I wasn’t trying. I was simply reading, and POW, there it was.

♥ ♥ ♥ Beloved ♥ ♥ ♥

⇒I am loved by God⇐

⇒I am loved by my Family⇐

No earning. No striving. Nothing to do. Nothing to prove. Simply accepting being LOVED.

“Wisdom is realizing [that] allowing someone to help us can be a much bigger task than actually helping someone else. Accepting help means releasing the judgement we’ve imposed on ourselves.” – Melki JK Russell

Hello 2019

I’ve been handed a gift. It’s opened and ready to be embraced. This is not like most gifts. A typical gift is given and opened at will. This gift has been handed to me and opened already, even if I didn’t want to receive it or open it. In a typical gift, one is able to see the entire contents of the package. This gift is one I get to “open” moment-by-moment. I can only “see” what’s in front of me. The future is unknown. Each moment a welcomed surprise, or a surprise I’d rather not have. However, “it” is still a marvelous gift. One not granted to many.

~ 365 days ~

And, so, I will continue to learn to Just Breathe…; to allow my pen to flow freely and let Ink Speaks; to embrace that I am Different; to Live! today, for tomorrow is not a guarantee; to Just be… present in the moment.

My husband, my son, my son’s girlfriend (who has become a dear friend), are my safe people. They love and support me – AND I do not take this for granted. I am keenly aware that not everyone is surrounded by such love and support.

So I lift my glass and toast with each one of you, my fellow sojourners. Grateful for the time you take to visit. Grab a chair and stay awhile, but only if you wish. If you pass by, thank you! Glad you found your way through this place.

Today I have my walking shoes on and am “ready” to continue the journey. Tomorrow, well, I can’t say. But, hey, in the “present”, I say let the pen be ready for what comes next 😀

Will you join me?

Birthday Month

The year, 1984. Me, on my third pregnancy. Blissful, was not part of my experience. Having had two miscarriages, we didn’t dare get excited. Complications, loss of weight, barely keeping YOU “safe” inside my womb to continue to grow strong.

December 3, at my regular doctor check up. Seven months along, cheering for the finish line. Nope! Not going to make it! Your heartbeat was barely audible. And, unbeknownst to me, the fluid that I was losing was not pee, but embryonic fluid. Crazy, I know!

Rush! Rush! Rush! Here you were, a healthy baby boy! Making your entrance with a loud cry and peeing all over the nurses. Definitely all boy! Who knew, then, what lay ahead.

Today the roles have changed ⇒⇒⇒

  • The day we received that final “no”, and knew that the inevitable was so close. In the back yard I screamed, and hit (literally) the block wall. There you were, your hand on my shoulder holding me in your arms. I sobbed!
  • The day Angie took her last breath. As a zombie, I walked out to her memory garden, stooping down, I wrote “this date”. My knees gave way. There you were, holding me up.
  • As that van drove away with her little body. There you were, to scrape me off the driveway.
  • As her shell was being lowered into the grave. There you were, your arm around me.

⇒⇒⇒I could go on and on…

How is it that such a mess of a human would birth such amazing human beings? God has been so good to me! He gave me YOU🖤

This year, we have danced together; we have sang together; we have laughed together; and, yes, we have shed tears together. You have given me the gift of allowing me to be me; of walking toward the mess and not away from it.

34 years and counting! May God, in His grace, give us many more years together.

I love you so very much, Son🖤

Goodbye 2018

I decided to pick a word for 2018, as a popular trend encourages one to do.

~ through ~ was the word I picked

2018 is on it’s last days, and 2019 is on the horizon. Yes, it looks like I will make it “through”. Not pretty, not flawless, not smooth sailing at all! Sometimes walking, at times crawling, or should I say, “dragging”? And many times barely breathing.

The hodgepodge of emotions is…well…scrambled, with no rhyme or reason. Normalcy is a figment of my imagination. Making sense of it all, can create a senseless existence. Acceptance, surrender…acceptance, surrender…on repeat.

“Bittersweet” – a word that continues to be made clearer in my foggy mind. The mixture of emotions that, seemingly, do not mix. The joy of dancing under the stars with my son, along with the ache of not having my daughter. The laughter while sharing a meal, as the tears flow remembering her favorite food. Christmas filled with wonder, as we sit in front of a headstone.

Phrases like, “I could never…” “I’ve always done it like…”, and so on, are completely obliterated from my vocabulary. Because, guess what?! My plan, my agenda…the “I did it my way”, well is just creating more chaos, in my already scrambled brain. Rethinking. Regrouping. Reevaluating.

Walking into a therapist office because my “doctor made me do it”, and fighting every urge in me to run the other way. An inner fight with stigma, with the semblance of weakness, with condemning voices.

Wanting to explain my every action or non-action. Hearing judgment, disappointment, disillusionment.

Being vulnerable, transparent, frail, needy…against every fiber that says, “you got this!” Cause, being weak and needy, is just not passé.

Will I pick a word for 2019? Not sure, yet. Would you pick a word?

AND, so, we say goodbye to another year. What will this coming year bring? Only God knows. All, I know is that I just have to get through this moment in time. The rest is out of my hands.

🔔Jingle🔔

Every jingle, every joyful song…salt to an open wound

stinging…burning…searing pain

Is this the point? Is this the purpose? No…not really

Just go with it! Just enjoy it! ~~~ easy for you to say

How do I convince my mind to think differently?

How do I tell my heart not to feel?

How do I “go with it” without falling apart?

Am I the only one feeling this?

Does everyone “really” enjoy this?

Is this, too, a Masquerade?

Short Circuit

~⊗~Beautiful morning walk with the family. Brisk pace, chatting away. All is good in the neighborhood. The trail is between two streets, but it’s not that busy, so it’s a quiet morning. The feeling of being “normal”, until a siren blares – short circuit:

>all goes blank. ears ring. blasting noise. head spins. legs become as noodles. I need to sit down. I need to run. escape. what happened? somehow I’m sitting. nauseated. breathe. put head between legs. rock…rock. get grounded. I can’t. scream. nothing comes out. cold sweat. I can’t breathe. breathe. what happened? it’s so loud. I can’t hear. wasn’t I walking? how did I sit down? what happened? b-r-e-a-t-h-e!

~⊗~Headed to church. Something feels “off”, but lately, everything feels off. Do some of my breathing exercises. We park. Here we go, let’s do this. Walking toward the building holding my hubby’s hand. Keep telling myself, “I can do this.” Wait?!?! There’s lots of people by the entrance. I hear a “loud” laugh – short circuit:

>in a bubble. disconnected. I need to run. escape. hide. why is it so noisy? this crowd. books in hand. what do I do. more crowds. someone hugged me. I’m talking. what am I saying? are you ok? no! escape. run. I’m suffocating. my husband. grab. I can’t. shut up! why are they laughing? in the car. at home. b-r-e-a-t-h-e!

Just two incidents of this horrible disconnect that happens out of nowhere, with no rhyme or reason. It frustrates me, aggravates me an makes me feel so out of control. How do I plan for the unpredictable? How do I explain the unexplainable?

When I come back “into orbit”, I’m spacey and out of sorts. What happens to my body? What happens to my mind? Will this ever get better or will it get worse?

AND so I continue to learn. I continue to shed the mask of “everything is good”, and am learning to ask for help. I am learning to communicate with my safe-people, even when I know I’m repeating myself. By the way, my safe people are AMAZING!!! And, I am learning that NOT everybody will understand, and…that…is…ok!

We are a Miracle

The day began in it’s normal way, nothing different about it. The seventeen year old moved around in a daze. This was the day. It didn’t feel different. It didn’t have all the pomp and circumstance she had seen or heard of. No saying, “yes to the dress.” No talks with mom in preparation of the big day. Nothing! Just a day in the life of this broken girl. Such a short life, yet so much had already transpired.

Having miscarried her second child, just a month before, she didn’t realize that she was still grieving her loses, and that her body was not yet healed. But, here it was…no turning back.

The escape plan in place, so she thought. The release from the physical, verbal and mental abuse was what was expected. Little did she know that she would enter into another form of abuse.

The “happy couple” drove themselves to the justice of the peace. She wore dark purple, because it was the closest she had to black. No rings, no flowers. Just them. Their two witnesses met them there, and so the stale ceremony took place.

~ 🌺 ~ 🌺 ~ 🌺 ~

Today – 35 years later – a miracle! My husband and I are still together. God’s grace abundantly being poured onto us, individually, and as a couple. Many, many things and circumstances have threatened to tears us apart, and some have nearly succeeded. Yet, today, I can say that we “walk-together”. We continue to learn the “dance” of life. And, by God’s grace we will continue until death do us part.