August 2018 – Page 3 – "Ready Pen…"

Thank you

Howdy all!

A little over a month ago I started this Blog. I’ve noticed some traffic – visits, likes, comments, follows – THANK YOU!

I have always liked reading and writing (Love of Writing). On May 8, 2017 my beautiful, 30 year old daughter went to heaven after a 10 month battle with cancer. I plummeted (not out yet) into a deep hole of sorrow and grief. Writing has become a source of “vomiting” my grief and pain onto paper. Typing onto a Blog is part of my process of trusting “my voice” to the outside world.

I’m a woman of faith, who loves her family, likes to have fun AND humor and sarcasm are, well part of me. I write about the good, the bad and the ugly…and the “really?!” “seriously?!” moments of my entire life.

Thank you for joining me on my life journey. Whether you peek in or stay a while, I am thankful for you.

The PEN is READY, what will come out next…

Porcelain Doll

Porcelain doll…lifeless…statuesque.

Primp and proper, not a tear on her dress.

Upright, stoic…strike a pose.

Flawless skin, not a hair out of place.

Shoulders back, neck so stiff…smile…painted on face.

…admired…coveted…

Oh, the illusion of the porcelain doll.

Sorrow

A wound deep as the sea💔🦋

“When peace like a river, attendeth my way, When sorrows like sea billows roll

Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say — It is well, it is well, with my soul…”

Images

Images, images…an onslaught of images; a constant replay.

What’s playing, “presently”, in the theater of my mind? My beautiful daughter being placed in that bag. Yes, it was just her shell! Yes, she “wasn’t there” anymore! Yes, yes, yes…I KNOW!!! It was all part of the “normal” process! I get it! I accept it! BUT the torture and assault of those images is relentlessly painful and gut wrenching!

Her frail, lifeless little body being placed on that gurney, with that black ominous bag. The zipper going up, up…closing…watching her little face disappear. I wanted to turn away, but that seemed “unloving”, and I wanted to “see” her face as long as I possibly could. I wanted to scream, “she will suffocate!” I wanted to STOP the process. I thought I’d vomit…maybe if I vomited that twisted feeling in my guts would be relieved…UGH!!!

I try to renew my mind. I try to “think” on things that are true, noble, praiseworthy. Really…I do! But somehow, the images return, over and over again. I am thankful for the times that the images are of joyful, memorable moments. I welcome the relief and joy they bring.

Always on the edge. People…noises…anything threatens to take me over the edge; to explode.

I wonder, “If the images stopped, would I stop missing her; remembering her?” “Are these horrid images better than not having anything at all?”

And so the journey continues…one day, one moment, one second at a time. Thankful for the grace to do just that…one second at a time!

“Cry whenever you need to. Scream. Shout. Lay on the floor. Sob in the shower. Be still. Run. Share without fear. Listen. Release your pain. Breathe. Be courageous. Throw away the map. Wander. Be real. Be compassionate. Read. Seek friendship. Be vulnerable. Don’t fear being broken.” ~ Zoe Clark-Coates

Present

Noise noise, constant noise!

Always connected; always engaged,

missing the moment at hand.

Can you be still for a moment?

What do you fear?

Do you know whose beside you?

Do you even care?

Can you see beyond the screen?

Can you hear the whisper from within?

Can you be present?

just for a moment,

just for a while.

Different

What if I am different?

What if I am different than “you”?

I like spicy, flavorful Mexican food, so my hot dog will not have the “regular” ketchup and mustard, but will be overloaded with bacon, onion, tomatoes and jalapeños.

I will take a quiet, peaceful walk in the mountains over a sandy beach.

I would rather sit with “you” in a quiet place, and eat and talk and laugh and cry. Than be in a group, frazzled by all the chattering noise.

Solitude is my friend, my rest; the place where I can just be. I don’t have to be rescued from it. It doesn’t mean I’m shutting down, heck I can shut down in a crowded place.

We are all different. We are all fearfully and wonderfully made. The beauty in a collage with all the different faces, colors and sequence.

There is beauty in differences! There is peace in just being me!

Finality

Your time was making its way,

we knew it was coming.

Inching its way…lurking in the corner,

ready to pounce.

That bag…dark, suffocating…so unnatural,

my mind reels at the memory.

A short walk…a distance both finite and infinite.

That van…door closes…gasp!

It drives away dragging every bit of my heart,

shattered, broken, pulverized…

Never to be the same again.