sarcasm – Page 2 – "Ready Pen…"

Another Gym Rant

Morning y’all! My brain is doing better, thank you very much. So hot off the “presses” I bring you another Gym Rant. Gymboland is always a reliable source for writing material and extreme frustration for this “on-the-edge-girl”. But, hey, it could be worse…or could it?

Having stayed up past my bedtime, I ended up going a little later than usual to the gym. I thought “common sense” was lacking in the 3:00 am crowd, don’t know, maybe not enough sleep? Nope, I was wrong, common sense is NON-EXISTENT!

Questions, questions, questions…

To the lady sitting on the hip abductor (for at least 30 minutes) watching her telenovela, I’d ask, “Wouldn’t you be more comfortable in your warm casita, sipping a delicious cup of hot cafecito while you enjoy your telenovela on your big screen TV?” “Girl, but you are rocking that “on-point” gym outfit, so I guess you had to show it off. Can you, maybe, walk around, yes?!?!”

To the cute young lady who jumped around for 15 minutes, then slept for an hour on that uncomfortable chair, I’d say, “I think your comfy bed would give you more spinal support. You might need a chiropractor appointment after that twisted nap.”

To the half naked lady (in the sauna) who slithered her way by me, and behind me with absolutely no respect for my personal space and my things, I’d ask, “Did you really just do that? Did you see me? Did you see my things? Do you care?” Nope! “All you cared for was laying yo-neked-bod-on-someone-else’s-spot!”

To the lady washing herself at the sink (yes…yes), I’d say, “Girl, you know there’s showers right behind you? It might be faster and easier, no se…just sayin!” 8-0

Oh, and I think I’ll carry a wad of tissues cause all that “slurping” is just not cool. Still working out the logistics as to how to “cordially” hand them out, though. Might need to work on a good plan for this…hehe!

Yes, folks, Gymboland – the happiest place on earth – has lived up to it’s name. Never a dull moment in this place, and guess what? You don’t even need an E-Ticket 😉

Death by Spanx

The special day was fast approaching. Ms. Thang was a buzz getting herself ready for the big day. Perfect dress, shoes to match. Let’s not forget the jewelry to bling up the attire. Hair and nail appointment inked on the day runner.

Sitting with a friend, much talk about the many things that still needed her attention, a suggestion, “Hey, spanx would make your dress fit “perfectly”. Don’t get me wrong, it already looks really good, but that extra touch, well it would just be fiu-fiu!” AND, hey, who doesn’t want to look “photoshopped” (at least one day)?

Ms. Thang set out to find the “infamous spanx”. Having no clue, knowing nothing about this piece of garment that would put her outfit over the top. Asked at a few places, but still unable to find this perfect garment. Finally, she arrives where the gal behind the counter doesn’t look at her like, “are you from Mars, lady?” This nice gal shows her a few pieces(literally) and gives her some pointers. Ms. Thang heads into the dressing room with two pieces in hand.

Queue the “OMG, I CAN’T BELIEVE IT’S NOT BUTTER” song…wait, different commercial…anywho…IT WASN’T PRETTY =8-0

Ms. Thang was resolved to at least get one of these pieces of perfection past her thighs. So she tried the one that went over her head. Good move, don’t you think?

She pulled, yanked…breath…pull, yank…ouch…more pulling, more yanking…OMG, it’s stuck!!! Paralyzed by this “rubber band” around her. Out of breath! In a position of a football umpire announcing a goal (the images are scandalous). Many thoughts went through her head. One was, “I’m going to be found naked, strangled by a piece of cloth, a vicious cloth at that!” My husband is going to get the call, “Mr. Thang, your wife was found dead. Killed by spanx!”

How she managed to “get away” is still a very dark mystery. The good news is that she lived to tell about it. By the way, the dress fit just fine without this precious garment, thank you very much.

And, so the “rolls” ran free! Yes, “photoshopped” is not the only way to fly 😉

Putrid Smell

Plan in place. Expectations high. That room held much promise. Walking in she was assaulted by the violence of a title wave. A cascade that enveloped every part of her being by a putrid stench that filled that room. She pushed through, resolved to fulfill her plan. Watery eyes and burning nostrils would not deter her. The nausea would subside, soon; she hoped, cause there was a plan and it needed to be fulfilled.

A round opening was the source of this deadly gas. No promise of it closing any time soon, it oozed and oozed…at times whizzing. Can he be gone already…PLEASE! Nope, another deep breath in preparation for another wave of “assault” on the senses. And, so it went on…and on…and on.

The torturous assault is finally over. Time is up. Until the next time.

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Folks, I am back at the sauna. Yes, I’m a sucker for punishment 😉

I love garlic in a yummy pasta dish, garlic toast, etc. It makes for a flavorful mouthful of yumminess. However, smelling digested garlic, well, it just isn’t a favorite past time. Let’s face it, the sauna has many funky odors, however, this one just blew me out of the water. I’m thinking that on my next “adventure” I’ll bring something to offset that horrid assault on my nostrils. We will see…

Inquiring Mind

Inquiring minds want to know…I have questions…lots of questions.

I’m thinking that maybe my next “project” will be a “Gym Etiquette Manual”…ha!ha! Not really, but that might not be a bad idea.

To the man who wears only a towel to the steam room – why? Seriously, why? Working out with long pants (pajama bottoms), long sleeve shirt (thermal) and your head and part of your face covered, but you shed it all for the steam room. You do know this is a co-ed gym, yes? You do know that towel doesn’t cover you while you are doing karate kicks?

To the man that wears only long john underpants to the sauna – just not sure what to ask, but that image hurts my eyes 8-\

I don’t know about you, but “if” I have a (clears throat) wedgy, I yank that puppy out promptly cause, well, that’s just what you do. Not this other guy! Does he know? Should I tell him?

So I thought only plumbers aired out their crack. Well, I was wrong…oh, so wrong!!!

To the efficient, new male employee, ummm, coming out of the shower (in the women’s lockers/showers) to find you there just doesn’t sit well with me. Not sure if you read the memo. Not sure this is proper etiquette…just sayin!

Enough inquiries for today. I think I’ll go work on my first draft of that manual 😉

Gym Rant

Ready for another gym rant, I mean “post”?

As I’ve mentioned before, I go to the gym early to avoid people, noises…ha!ha! pretty much everything. However, for some reason, “stupidity” follows me 8-\

Remember the locker room? (Not A Robot)? Yeah, it continues. This time I got to see the perpetrator face-to-face! So, I’m done with my workout. Heading toward my locker I see someone standing right by it with her stuff all over the place (typical). I think, “when she sees me heading that way she will move aside” — ha!ha! that would be the right thing to do, but NOT for mua! She turns away from me as if she didn’t see me. I clear my throat…I’m standing right next to her…she ignores me! Her locker door is totally blocking mine. I say, “excuse me”, nothing! I clear my throat again and ask if I can get to my locker. NOTHING!!! I gently grab her locker door and move it so that I can get into my locker, slide myself in and get my stuff and move to another locker (you would have been proud of me). She doesn’t even say a peep! People, just know, I am NOT a very patient and kind person. It seriously took a lot of self-control for me not to…well…I’ll just let you imagine it. She better be thankful that she wasn’t dealing with “La Sleepy from the Hood” cause things would have gotten ugly. This post would not be a rant from my living room, but a rant from a four-by-four room with me wearing a fashionable “orange-suite-with-a-number”…just sayin!

Remember the bathroom? (Not A Robot) So, add to what I told you this – there is this lady that puts all her things on this particular treadmill (cause there’s not 10 other treadmills to use…ha!ha!). She goes to the bathroom and “sits” for like 30 minutes listening to music and doing her thang. Today, her music was loud as can be. I’m guessing it was to drown out the “music” she was making. All I have to say is, the music was not drowning out the “sounds” from the rest of us

And, we have the parking lot. Folks, this gym is big, so the parking lot is huge. When I get there I park close to the door because it’s still dark outside and because there’s only like 5 cars on the lot and because I want to. When I leave, it’s still early and there are still plenty of parking spaces. Would you believe it if I told you that I’ve been honked at and blasted with high beams because I’m not quick enough to move out of the parking space? Yup, I have. People, people!!! Maybe, just maybe, if they parked further they’d get more steps for their fit-bit…just sayin!

Ok, so I’m laughing now! Silver lining is, when the writing juices aren’t flowing, there’s always something to write “from the gym”…he!he!

Pedicure

It’s Saturday! What to do?

Summer and Sandals go together, right? Of course, sandals call for the cutest pedicure, unless —squirrel!— your like that lady I saw yesterday wearing shorts a tank top and sandals with (ready!?) white socks that reached all the way up to her knees! Yup! Yes, I cringed too.

Anywho, come on, let’s go get a pedicure! I’m bringing a book, and my notebook with my pen ready to write. Natalie Goldberg in her book “Writing Down the Bones” recommends one try to write anywhere and everywhere. The nail salon might be a good place to attempt to write “undistracted”.

Here we are. Good, it’s not that crowded. “Yes, pedicure, please.”

The comfortable massage chair beckons me to sit and unwind. The tub in front of it is being filled with bubbly warm water. Feet in…yes! My pedicurist and I try to communicate, yeah both accents are not meshing very well. Yes, a written paper with a “menu” of services. I point to the pedicure with massage, ending with warm towels.

Book, notebook and pen on my lap…trying to get my mind to settle…trying to get those creative juices going…OUCH!!! Can you guess where this is going? Um, is it just me? Are my attempts at “self-care” producing more, um, pain?

And, so proceeded the endless ouch! sorry! ouch! sorry! ouch! sorry! Blood, a chunk pulled out of my toe with oodles of crazy glue (yes, crazy glue…crazy huh?!) poured into the hole to stop the bleeding. By the way, this was my second time trying this place. I figured the first “assault”, I mean pedicure, she was probably having a bad day. Well, from the looks of it, today she is having an even worse day, AND we can’t communicate! You’d think my cringing face, the pulling of my foot and my audible “ouch” would be enough for her to get the message, right?

It’s over…I’m limping…my toe is throbbing. This might not have been the greatest idea. I think I need to find another nail place…don’t know…ha!ha! Ya think!

My Massage

It’s been a little gloomy around here, so I think it’s time for some R&R.

Today I am going to take you to a place of rest, relaxation and renewal. Where your body will be lavishly lathered with wonderful coconut oil. All your senses will be engaged as you hear the sound of the birds, amidst the ocean waves crashing and taking you into a place of total bliss. The aromatherapy with it’s lavender scent will calm and relax you…deep breath…can you smell it? Let yourself go…relax!

That is until “Genna” (not her real name) walks in!

Picture Rocky training to “Eye of the Tiger”. Can you hear the knuckles cracking?

AND SO IT STARTS…your relaxing massage – ha!ha!, so you thought 8-\

Snap, crackle, pop! Wait, should I be fighting back? I’m confused…

She asks, “how are you doing?” My thoughts, “do you really want to know?” In a barely audible, squeaky whisper I manage to say, “ok…”

The torture, I mean massage, continues. Ouch! Was that an elbow to my…OUCH! Ok, never mind…uncle, uncle! Whatever she is pressing is making me lift from the table…really?! I’m paying for this?

Finally, she is done! The 60 minute relaxing massage, which turned into an all out beating, which I must say was totally unfair. I should have fought back…just sayin! Anywho, it was finally over!

On the bright side (cause I’m really trying to find the “bright side) it did take my mind off my emotional pain 😉

Where will I go next? Stay tuned…you just never know 😀

The Fork

People, places and things give me anxiety. I think I have always been this way, but I’m told that the grief/ptsd makes it worse.

Because I can’t just lock myself in a dark room (although this is very appealing), I’m learning to navigate life and it’s many duties in a way that is “healthy” for me. BUT I seem to be a magnet for…well…I’ll just say “quirkiness”. I think you’ve gathered this from my previous posts –The Sauna and Not A Robot

What does this have to do with a “fork”? Well, nothing. I just needed an introduction 😀

Early morning grocery shopping. “I made it out without having one meltdown…yes!” Making my way through the parking lot, in a race to make it to my car unfrazzled, I look over at a parked truck. What do I see? Double take! “Am I seeing what I’m seeing?” I almost lost it! Not from anxiety, but from laughter…yes, laughter.

By the way, did I tell you I did a double take, and a triple take…and another take, just to confirm what I was seeing. I would say that this is a verifiable fact and not fake news. I repeat, this is not fake news!

The sighting: A guy sitting in the parked truck busy “grooming” his beard and mustache. You ask, “What’s so funny about a man grooming himself in his truck?” Glad you asked…are you ready? Here goes, he was using a WHITE DISPOSABLE FORK (in all caps for a dramatic queue) to comb and style his beard and mustache. Yup, he was!

I wonder if he used the fork to eat before or after his grooming time? If you ask me, in my humble opinion I’d say, “please use fork after eating your meal so as to have the oil residue help untangle, smooth and moisturize your beard and mustache. You will create an all day silky smooth look without any frizz,” said in a commercial like voice so as to create a desire for this magnificent product 😉

Ok, back to my normal voice. This was weird and I could not believe what I was seeing, but on the positive side, it sure gave me a chuckle that lasted for the remainder of the day.

Have you seen anything “quirky” or that made you do a double take? Just wondering…