Tag: life

PTSD Diagnosis

“PTSD: Symptoms may include nightmares or unwanted memories of the trauma, avoidance of situations that bring back memories of the trauma, heightened reactions, anxiety, or depressed mood.
Behavioral: agitation, irritability, hostility, hypervigilance, self-destructive behavior, or social isolation
Psychological: flashback, fear, severe anxiety, or mistrust
Mood: loss of interest or pleasure in activities, guilt, or loneliness
Sleep: insomnia or nightmares
Also common: emotional detachment or unwanted thoughts”
Information obtained from Mayo Clinic website
The holidays of 2017 were absolutely brutal. My daughter had been gone a little over 6 months. She loved, loved the holidays. Christmas was one of her favorites. I called her Elf (remember the movie?), she called me Scrooge (that tells you something). She loved decorating. I think our home would have been a winter-wonderland if we would have had the finances to allow her to do it. But she did great with what we had. Her last Christmas with us she sat and watched as I decorated. The joy in her eyes was all worth it. She was so happy.
Trying to honor her memory I was “trying” to do Christmas, but my body would not have it. Stuffing my feelings didn’t help. I ended up passing out, and later in the ER because my doctor thought I was having a heart attack. Given my family history (The Unexpected) he wanted to rule out any cardiovascular issues. Thankfully “all” was good with my heart. He recommended I go to counseling. This was a hard pill to swallow and accept, because I “always had it all together”.
Receiving the PTSD diagnosis was surreal. My initial thoughts were, “no, not me!” “isn’t this only for soldiers? I’m not a soldier. I haven’t been to combat.” “wait, what will people think?” “I can’t tell anyone, this doesn’t make sense” and on and on and on.
Watching the show “Madam Secretary”, the main actress was dealing with PTSD. I broke down uncontrollably saying, “that’s me!!!” It was surreal to “watch myself” on someone else.
Not sure what this all means. Not sure how to handle this. Not sure of anything. Just putting one foot in front of the other and at times simply curling up in a ball “until it passes”.
Scrambled Mind is something I deal with a lot. I learned about Six Word Story from a grief website as they were doing #griefinsixwords. Being a “wordy” person, it was difficult when my mind was so scrambled, to write anything down. Putting thoughts into six words helped. In fact, that’s how I started dabbling in poetry and finding quotes. Simple yet so inspiring. As Matt Haig puts it:
“…A short optimistic quote isn’t cheap. It can be forged in pain and have the strength of survival. It can reframe your whole perspective…”
Acceptance brings peace. Finding ways to cope is part of my present journey. AND so we continue on this life journey one step at a time…and if need be we sit and give ourselves permission to Just be…

The Unexpected

The quadruple bypass had been a total success. The family began to let their shoulders down and breath a little easier, until…that first meal! Those infamous cornflakes – tasty clusters of flakes, yet deadly to a paralyzed, empty stomach. The first spoonful hit the stomach producing nausea, stomach cramps and pain, making the stomach bloat with extreme speed. The symptoms had now become agonizing with no sign of relief. Rushed to the OR! Doctors in desperate search of what had caused this drastic turn of events, and trying to figure out how and why this was happening while he was slowly making a positive recovery from his heart surgery.

The family lingers in the room waiting for an update. The nurse comes in and says, “He’s losing a lot of blood. Are any of you able to give blood for him?” We are willing. After some tests, it turns out only two of his kids are a match. One has been using so he’s out. The youngest of them all is taken to the room where she’ll sit as the precious life giving liquid flows out of her veins.

Waiting and more waiting. Finally, a doctor approaches. “We did all we could…” Words that you hope would only be said in movies, but no, this is real. Before any emotion can be shown, the doctor whispers to the widow, “If you want to take him now without waiting, we are going to have to wheel him out as if he is still alive. Otherwise, you might not get him for days, or even months due to all the red tape.” She, “strong-as-nails”, her norm, says, “I’m taking him now!”

The family is then asked to “stuff all their feelings and emotions” and act as if nothing has happened.

The gurney in front, the family behind…as if…all is good.

The body is delivered to the family home, and is customary in that culture, they will dress and prepare him for the all night wake.

Two of his five sons and his two daughters enter “that room”. He is wrapped in sheets. They approach and start unwrapping…GASP!!! UGH!!! The sight, the smells, the liquids! “How? why? Could they have closed him up? Can someone else do this? This can’t be happening!”

One white shirt after another, stained…useless. “We” aren’t equipped for this?” “This should be done by a funeral home.” Nope, this is us and this is how we roll…yeah…swallow that!

Somehow, he is prepped and ready for the all night wake and viewing of the tons of mourners that will come and pay their respects. Rosaries, prayers, coffee, chatter. Tomorrow, he will be carried through the streets of his village, ending at the cemetery with the proper burial. Then the people will scatter, life will continue as usual…

BUT those four “kids” will live with those images of their Dad. Neither will talk to each other about it; neither will talk about it to anyone…because that just how this family rolls.

Another Gym Rant

Morning y’all! My brain is doing better, thank you very much. So hot off the “presses” I bring you another Gym Rant. Gymboland is always a reliable source for writing material and extreme frustration for this “on-the-edge-girl”. But, hey, it could be worse…or could it?

Having stayed up past my bedtime, I ended up going a little later than usual to the gym. I thought “common sense” was lacking in the 3:00 am crowd, don’t know, maybe not enough sleep? Nope, I was wrong, common sense is NON-EXISTENT!

Questions, questions, questions…

To the lady sitting on the hip abductor (for at least 30 minutes) watching her telenovela, I’d ask, “Wouldn’t you be more comfortable in your warm casita, sipping a delicious cup of hot cafecito while you enjoy your telenovela on your big screen TV?” “Girl, but you are rocking that “on-point” gym outfit, so I guess you had to show it off.  Can you, maybe, walk around, yes?!?!”

To the cute young lady who jumped around for 15 minutes, then slept for an hour on that uncomfortable chair, I’d say, “I think your comfy bed would give you more spinal support. You might need a chiropractor appointment after that twisted nap.”

To the half naked lady (in the sauna) who slithered her way by me, and behind me with absolutely no respect for my personal space and my things, I’d ask, “Did you really just do that? Did you see me? Did you see my things? Do you care?” Nope! “All you cared for was laying yo-neked-bod-on-someone-else’s-spot!”

To the lady washing herself at the sink (yes…yes), I’d say, “Girl, you know there’s showers right behind you? It might be faster and easier, no se…just sayin!” 8-0

Oh, and I think I’ll carry a wad of tissues cause all that “slurping” is just not cool. Still working out the logistics as to how to “cordially” hand them out, though. Might need to work on a good plan for this…hehe!

Yes, folks, Gymboland – the happiest place on earth – has lived up to it’s name. Never a dull moment in this place, and guess what? You don’t even need an E-Ticket 😉

50 Follows

WordPress just informed me that I have reached 50 follows. Wow! I am humbled!

Thank you! I don’t consider you “followers”. We are all sojourners in this life journey ( The Journey Begins ). I am honored to walk this journey with such great company. Whether you stop by for a visit or stay a while, I am grateful for each and every one of you.

Some of the reasons why I Write… And I Write…

So let’s keep “walking”…the journey continues. Glad to have you along.

The Unforgettable Crate

It was a crisp December day. The beehive buzz around the village was thick. One of their own would be arriving today. Not with the usual fanfare, however, this arrival was one robed with the blackness of grief and sorrow. The house had been readied for the owners arrival. This time, however, the bedding was not washed and pressed because it’s owner would not be sleeping in her bed. The front room was set up with the customary stands and candles to hold the all night wake.

The unmarked van turns the corner.  Could that be? People straighten up and stand, a sign of honor and respect. The youngest daughter waiting to sign the paperwork indicating she had received the “cargo”.

The van parks to the side of the road. Back door opens. What?! A wooden crate?!?!?!

The youngest daughter paralyzed at the sight. Nausea threatened to make her loose whatever she had managed to eat. “Nobody told me…! I just can’t…!” her thoughts shattered by the pounding of a hammer…P-O-P! P-O-P! P-O-P!

AND so it went…FOREVER…and ever! Each “pop” releasing a nail. Nail after nail that held this crate together, pounded…releasing each nail, and with each pound her heart sank deeper and deeper in pain and unbelief.

She stood paralyzed by feelings of sadness and anger. A slow rage boiling inside. “This is a human body, for God’s sake! She might be lifeless, but she still deserves honor and respect!”, thoughts screaming within.

Fulfilling her mother’s last dying wish came at a great price, both emotionally and financially. But here they were. It was what it was…no turning back!

Images that stay; that haunt; that you wish you could erase. And, so life continues…but you can never see a “crate” the same again.

Death by Spanx

The special day was fast approaching. Ms. Thang was a buzz getting herself ready for the big day. Perfect dress, shoes to match. Let’s not forget the jewelry to bling up the attire. Hair and nail appointment inked on the day runner.

Sitting with a friend, much talk about the many things that still needed her attention, a suggestion, “Hey, spanx would make your dress fit “perfectly”. Don’t get me wrong, it already looks really good, but that extra touch, well it would just be fiu-fiu!” AND, hey, who doesn’t want to look “photoshopped” (at least one day)?

Ms. Thang set out to find the “infamous spanx”. Having no clue, knowing nothing about this piece of garment that would put her outfit over the top. Asked at a few places, but still unable to find this perfect garment. Finally, she arrives where the gal behind the counter doesn’t look at her like, “are you from Mars, lady?” This nice gal shows her a few pieces(literally) and gives her some pointers. Ms. Thang heads into the dressing room with two pieces in hand.

Queue the “OMG, I CAN’T BELIEVE IT’S NOT BUTTER” song…wait, different commercial…anywho…IT WASN’T PRETTY  =8-0

Ms. Thang was resolved to at least get one of these pieces of perfection past her thighs. So she tried the one that went over her head. Good move, don’t you think?

She pulled, yanked…breath…pull, yank…ouch…more pulling, more yanking…OMG, it’s stuck!!! Paralyzed by this “rubber band” around her. Out of breath! In a position of a football umpire announcing a goal (the images are scandalous).  Many thoughts went through her head. One was, “I’m going to be found naked, strangled by a piece of cloth, a vicious cloth at that!” My husband is going to get the call, “Mr. Thang, your wife was found dead. Killed by spanx!”

How she managed to “get away” is still a very dark mystery. The good news is that she lived to tell about it. By the way, the dress fit just fine without this precious garment, thank you very much.

And, so the “rolls” ran free! Yes, “photoshopped” is not the only way to fly 😉

Blissfully Lost

Las dos amigas out for a time of pampering. The plan was set, the guys would eat and watch the soccer game while the girls get a day of rest, relaxation and pampering. Kiss, kiss and off they went.

The taxi driver didn’t seem to be “in service”, but then again everything moves slowly in La Paz. I guess that’s why one gets away. He finally agreed to shuttle them to their destination. Girls talk and talk, and giggle ready for their pampering. The driver, on the other hand, seems lost. He asked, one too many times, “What does your phone say?” to which the reply was always, “we have no WiFi”. Finally, at their destination!

The “look” of said oasis promised much. As they walked in they were greeted with sour looks. So much for “walk ins welcomed”. Icily turned away, “no room in the in”. A ray of hope rose in the horizon as one of the clients showed the discouraged amigas another location, AND it happened to be “right around the corner” (hold that thought). Off they went, with their plan “still” in place…pampering!

Blocks, and blocks, and blocks they walked…umm, “are we there yet?” There it is! Yes! The sign on the door shattered their plans, once again, “we’ve moved to a new location…” Taking this as a “sign from above”, they decided to head back to meet back with the guys.

Lost, yup, they were so lost. Walking, walking…hey, so I guess they did get a massage – of their feet…haha!

A wonderful little boy showed them the way. Yes, they are finally at the malecon (walk way by the beach). From here they can find their way “home”.

~~Blissfully lost, not a care in the world. The company of a caring and loving friend made all the difference. The talk was deep and fun. There were tears and much laughter. Somehow, I wish we were still lost…blissfully lost!~~

Behind the Frown

Have you ever wondered what’s behind someone’s frown?

~The two guys in the sauna that seem “angry” at the world. One is going through an all out war with his two brothers after their mother passed away from an aggressive form of cancer that gave them no time to “prepare”. The older brother is now holding their mother’s ashes hostage and refuses to give any of them closure. The other guy in the sauna, is getting out all his emotions here so that he can be “there” for his wife as they bury her beloved father.

~The woman sitting pensive in the Jacuzzi, is trying to regroup; to get some “rest” so that she can go back home to continue caring for her 26 year old, special needs, son who just had emergency open heart surgery.

~The young guy stocking shelves at the local grocery story. His 32 year old wife died of alcohol poisoning after many attempts at getting sober, leaving him a young widow and their five kids motherless.

Most of the time I have a “mad-dog” face, or as the saying goes, “cara de pocos amigos” (a face of not many friends/not a friendly face). Behind my frown is someone trying to keep it together. Someone who is trying not to scream or cry or lash out. Someone who just wants to get the task at hand done. Someone trying to keep the little sanity that she has intact.

What’s behind “your frown”?