Valuable Dirt

What draws me here? What do I expect to find? Is it that I am sorely aware that your shell is beneath this manicured lawn? No amount of decorations, beautiful though they are, can remove the agony of reality. Every bug, every worm a horrible reminder of ones end. From dust we came, to dust (dirt) we will return.

As the reel of my mind plays and replays those horrid images, which threaten to undo what little sanity remains, I have to purposefully make the choice to think and meditate on images of heaven – you are whole, complete, full of joy! There is no other way for this Momma’s heart to find comfort and solace.

Almost a year and a half of your departure, AND it still feels surreal. I’m learning to accept that this “feeling” will be part of me until the day I take that same journey and we are united again. Oh, how that day drags on…endlessly painful…my eyes blurred to the horizon.

Do you think of me? Do you miss me? Of course NOT, that would be torture! I know…I live it! No, this isn’t living…I’m barely enduring it!

Death, the ultimate separation. The gut wrenching reality we will all have to face. No one escapes it!

“Grief has a way of lodging itself in the body…There is a substance to sorrow, a gritty reality and physicality that, if left untended, has the power to choke out one’s hope.” ~ Annie Parsons

Motivation

In need of “motivation” to write. Just not flowing. But then, again, nothing seems to be “flowing” šŸ˜

Here’s a quote to motivate me and motivate you:

ā€œDonā€™t bend; donā€™t water it down; donā€™t try to make it logical; donā€™t edit your own soul according to the fashion. Rather, follow your most intense obsessions mercilessly.ā€ FranzĀ Kafka

Introvert

From “Introvert Nation Movement” FB Page:

“You look pissed off, what’s wrong?” It’s just my face…

“I don’t always have time to call people back, but when I do, I don’t”

“I hate when someone rings my doorbell because then I have to drop whatever I’m doing to be silent and pretend I’m not home”

Finally getting some “balance” from the horrible spiral of last weekend. In one of my “sitting staring at nothing” episodes, I scrolled through this FB Page. Social Media triggers me to no end, so I had been taking a break from it. I found this page by “mistake” as I was looking through my daughter’s FB page (something I do often).

I’ve been told that I am “the life of the party”. Now, I’m wondering if it was all a masquerade (Plastic Faces).

Some posts are hilarious and made for a good laugh. While others are material for deep thought.

Have you ever had one of those “aha, moments” when you realized that you are different than what you thought?

Back from Oz

Back from the land of Oz. And, by the way, I never found that yellow brick road or the Wizard. I guess that’s just a fairy tale :-/

I decided to get away for a few days with a friend I hadn’t seen in a few years. The decision making was a grueling back and forth process, but I was proud of myself for finally making the decision to go. However, this chaotic brain of mine seems to have forgotten to upload the latest upgrade: “Girl, you can’t! Not right now!”

Acceptance…a fluid place to arrive. Just when I think I’m there, I realize that I’m still fighting it. What is it that makes me want to please people? What is it that makes me want to do my old normal, when I am acutely aware of my new normal? What is normal? Questions, questions that bounce around in this very noisy and jumbled head of mine.

I ventured off into new territory without my safe place and my safe people. Yikes! Just typing this makes me cringe. Add to this the noisiness and crowds of airports. The crammed quarters of airplanes. Well, no wonder all my senses were on high alert and I was being triggered over and over again..

Finally arriving at my destination…phew, a sigh of relief! The smile and hug of a friend…into the car and off we go…a fun time awaits us.

Blah, blah, blah…talk, talk, talk…directions in hand…smiles, laughs – – – – – – –

SCREECH, SLAM, S—L—O—W—M—O……………………………….three car pile up, we are rear ended!!!

It’s all a blur…somehow, I got out of the car, sat on the curve clutching my daughters animal pillow (a comfort accessory). More noises – people, sirens…lots and lots of noises.

ā‡ā‡ā‡Total Meltdownā‡’ā‡’ā‡’

I’m home in my safe place with my safe people…recovering. Life continues at snail pace, but it continues. Thankful for a place calledĀ homeĀ šŸ˜€

Depth

I read this on a page in FB called Introvert Nation:

ā€œI donā€™t think people understand how stressful it is to explain whatā€™s going on inside your head when you donā€™t even understand it yourself.ā€

On a total side note, I think Iā€™m an introvert…just sayin!

Anywho, I decided to do something I used to do (in the dinosaur ages, so it seems). I used to write in a more ā€œtodayā€ kinda-way, with a sort of pondering/meditating to the flow of the writing piece. Although I really enjoy writing in any kind of way.

In my FB Memories a video popped up from 3 years ago. It gives 5 points that encouraged and prompted me to ā€œguideā€ my thoughts. Encouraged by Natalie Goldberg when she said, ā€œif you are not afraid of the voices inside you, you will not fear the critics outside you.ā€ Here goesā€¦

1) ā€œOwn Your Own Happinessā€ – Iā€™m 52 years old. It doesnā€™t matter what Iā€™ve done. I canā€™t please all of the people, all of the time. Itā€™s exhausting! Critics are everywhere. Iā€™ve been a professional and a stay at home mom. Iā€™ve had my children in public school, private school, homeschool. Iā€™ve been crazy out in the world and settled and homie (some critics would still say that Iā€™m still just plain-ol-crazy…hey, they might be right!). Just to name a few things…and Iā€™ve been criticized for every single one of them.

2) ā€œChallenge Your Own Storyā€ – I hate the word ā€œvictimā€! I dislike being pitied! Iā€™ve been molested, raped, assaulted, beaten, BUT I refuse to let this define me! Each ā€œseasonā€ Iā€™ve lived and, by Godā€™s grace, have come THROUGH has made me who I am today. However, I will not stay quiet about who I am and where Iā€™ve been. No shame in my game! This season of my life has me sunk in deep sorrow and grief from the loss of my beautiful daughter. I deal with crying all the time, thoughts of suicide, PTSD, panic attacks…AND I’m not ashamed to talk about it or write about it. I don’t need to hide (unless it’s a really bad day, then I’ll be under the covers for most of the day).

3) ā€œEnjoy the Journey (NOT just the destination)ā€ – Today is a gift! Be fully present. Enjoy the baby years; the toddler years, even the teenage years of your children. Enjoy those soccer games, baseball games, valet, recitals. Enjoy the house full…the empty nest will come soon enough. Enjoy that you can jump and run and eat whatever you want, cause, people, I’m here to tell you that “season” comes to an end really quick. Enjoy the sunrise, that sunset…the moon and the stars. Enjoy that cup of coffee, that donut or that salad. Don’t miss today while you are stuck in the past or reaching for tomorrow. Celebrate along the way! There is JOY in the process.

4) ā€œMake Relationships Countā€ – Trust even when youā€™ve been betrayed. Donā€™t carry others mistakes to the new relationships. Donā€™t get ā€œhistoricalā€, stop keeping lists. This person is here for this moment in time. Friendships are messy (this is a continual struggle for me…still), but still be open to friendships. Know the difference between friends and acquaintances. Some will stay for a while, others just for a moment, but each will leave an imprint on your life journey.

5) ā€œBalance Work and Playā€ – Everything is not serious everyday. Take time to be silly. Take time to laugh. Take time to dance. Your ā€œjobā€ will continue even without you. For 10 months my entire focus was my daughter. We colored, played dots, got pedicures, took naps together…I will NEVER regret having put everything on hold. Iā€™ve been told that now itā€™s ā€œmy timeā€, that Iā€™m free to do things I enjoy. Guess what? That was ā€œmy timeā€ AND life was still happening…it did not stand still. Things were accomplished in those 10 months that stories are of. No mega trial brief could top that time with my girl.

Thank you for taking the time to read. Thank you for “walking” with me. One step at a time is all it takes, and if you need to sit, that’s ok, too šŸ™‚

My Beautiful Girl

My Beautiful Girl (Angie) was born June 3, 1986. She was named after her paternal grandmother, whom she loved. I wonder if they are singing together in heaven? Abuelita Jelo loved to sing.

All of my pregnancies were difficult. I had two miscarriages before we had our first born prematurely, with minimal issues. Then I got pregnant with Angie and the difficulties continued with the added trauma of having a drunk man fall on me lateĀ into the pregnancy. Angie was born between 6-7 months (donā€™t remember exactly) with difficulty breathing due to her underdeveloped lungs. She was placed in an incubator and given medication and care for her tiny, frail body. Angie didnā€™t get to come home with me because she still needed to stay in the incubator a little bit longer. She finally came home with lots of instructions and medications. I am so thankful for my sister who loved both my children as if they were her own. She helped me care for this tiny girl. Angie would ā€œforget to breathā€, she still needed to have Mommy breathe for her. She had to learn to breath on her own. This caused for her brain to be deprived of oxygen, which in turn caused further developmental delays. Those were, I thought, difficult days.

Sometimes I just need to remember. Sometimes I just need to “tell” somebody about her. Sometimes saying and seeing her name brings so much comfort and joy.

ANGIE, my precious little girl…fearfully and wonderfully made. Each day a miracle; each day a gift. Each day a milestone; each day defeating the odds. Each day of your life is engraved on my heart and mind. AND each day you are gone brings heart ache and pain. I will miss you until the day I have you in my arms again ā¤